Loose Ends

• Ben Affleck isn't very good at sneaking out of movie premieres. (Defamer)

• Nelly is expanding his Apple Bottom brand to outfit more ample bottoms than ever before. (AHH)

• Daniel Craig is making it hard to defend him against those lunatic Bond fans. (WWTDD)

• Madonna is a little too perfect these days. (ONTD)

• Undressing Madea. (Jasmyne Cannick)

• Fametracker muses over future Oscar hosts.

Sour Notes

• Farnsworth Bentley shows us that kissing ass can take you a long way; you just have to find the right one to kiss. (MTV)

• Speaking of Puffy, he needs a new hobby, one that will keep him out of the studio... (SOHH)

• Usher is accused of abusing a photographer; you'd think that her having to look at his face long enough to get a picture was abuse enough.

• Clay Aiken's fans are upset; not because Clay is a crappy singer, but because they've just discovered that he's gay. (Towleroad)

• Somebody felt so sorry for Mariah that they decided to put her in another movie. (Shallow End)

• Judging by his backstage rider, John Mayer must have chronic halitosis. (ONTD)

• Has NY fallen off the Hip Hop map?

• Metallica is working with Rick Rubin now, because they want their next album to actually sell. (SFGate)

• Master P goes from being an inspiration to being just another statistic. (MSN)

• Interview with Crystal Waters. (Queerty)

• Hopefully, George Michael's only habit is being arrested for making embarrassing mistakes.

• Alice in Chains is attempting a comeback.

• How many degrees of talent, or lack, thereof, separate Justin Timberlake and Kevin Fertile-Line? (ONTD)

• Poor Ron Anthony, his career won't be going far with Ashanti's mom taking control.

Random Ruminations

• Victoria Beckham is launching her own cosmetics line, for the woman who likes to revel in her homeliness. (3am Girls)

• Patrick Dempsey has had the same haircut (since 1987) for so long that it's back in style. (BWE)

• Interview with David Morse.

• More Sopranos? They need to put this show six feet under. (Movie Blog)

• The Da Vinci Code film gets extra pre-debut publicity in the form of a copyright infringement suit against the book's publisher.

• Stanley Crouch refuses to wait in line; he's the first to criticize Damon Wayans for attempting to copyright "the N word". (Playahata.com)

• "Gimmick Lit" is the new hype. (Galleycat)

• Is anyone really surprised that there is a "shortage" of female directors in Hollywood? (Movie Blog)

Tuesday Trivialities

• John Travolta is working on his next flop-- not only will he be writing the script for it, but he's also planning to sing the theme song, because if you're going to set yourself up for failure, you should at least make it a notable attempt. (Movie Blog)

• Is a "chicksdigger" a woman who is intriguing until she opens her mouth [to speak]? (BWE)

• Vida Guerra is "burning up the Internet" and a bunch of rough palms. (TMZ)

• No matter what character she's playing on Will and Grace, Britney Spears will be sure to invoke the ire of several groups. (Hothouse)

• Continuing this new trend of "let's dump on Jennifer Aniston", a former friend has written a "tell-all novel", but of course, even after the whole Brangelina thing, people are still too bored to muster much compassion. (Gawker)

• Since most novelists aren't as physically attractive as celebrities, they don't have the luxury of behaving like assholes. Kissing ass sells, as opposed to showing ass, for celebrities. (via Bookslut)

• Advice for parents who want to know how their daughter's favorite tween idol suddenly morphed into being a sexpot. (PopPolitics)

• Celebrity Mugshots: a game. (TMZ)

• Tyra Banks "does more than talk" on her talk show; she cries, she grandstands, she walks her personal "runway", she vents, she does makeovers, she whines... (MSN)

• When Paris Hilton's acting coach told her that she has a "similar style" to Charlize Theron, I think he was alluding to the fact that they are both blonde and tend to wear low-cut dresses pretty often. (WWTDD)

Monday Musings

• Interview with Philip Seymour Hoffman. (Observer)

• Taking American greed and turning it into generosity. (NYT)

• LA Times states the obvious about the historical/factual inaccuracies of most of the Best Picture nominees.

• If we all lived in Chloe Sevigny's world, chocolate could save every troubled relationship from infidelity. (ONTD)

• Interview with Rachel Weisz. (NYT)

• Shaun White proves the theory that a little fame and a lot of money can actually be better than some strategically planned plastic surgery. (DListed)

• Interview with Guy Pearce. (Independent)

• Wackiest street names. (SFgate)

• Prince Charles to give up his personality for the crown. (Observer)

Solving the Alpha Mystery

Can a beta male maintain a solid relationship with an alpha female? Or is everything doomed to failure? Dr Linda Papadopoulos, author of The Man Manual and reader in psychology at London Metropolitan University, says the causes are simple: “When you are attracted to someone different, it’s because you need something of them in your own personality. It’s comforting to have a man who relaxes you, who says, it’s okay, it’s time to stop. But the danger is that people become polarised in relationships, we become caricatures of ourselves. She becomes an extreme version of herself, trying to achieve for both of them, while the man compensates for her overachieving neurosis by becoming even more laid-back.” ... A leftfield male novelist, who is married to a ballbreaking advertising exec, says he is comfortable having no money to offer the relationship. “I accepted long ago that I was always going to be poor. In fact, it’s nice to play the supporting role, it takes the hassle out of my life.” What does emasculate him, though, is that, “she brings pig business mannerisms home with her. When she gets in from work, she is still, metaphorically, on the phone negotiating when she is talking to me. If you are second-in-command and have relinquished control, then that’s a sacrifice that needs to be respected. This is something my wife finds hard to do. If I do anything badly, I’m criticised. If I do something to please her, the gains are too narrow. She complains that I don’t do enough, but the fact is, she does everything better than me”. Is there any hope for the Guy Ritchies and the Nick Lacheys out there? Can they survive being constantly overshadowed by their more prominent wives, or will they be crushed by the widespread opinion that they are "less than men", because their mate is in control? "Married to an Alpha" (London Times)

Sour Notes

• KFed looks for street cred on the wrong block by duetting with The Game.

• Christopher "Play" Martin from Kid N Play (the "suave" one) has become a "Christian" rapper. (ONTD)

• A profile of Dusty Springfield. (Independent)

• Is Morrissey on Dubya's shit list? (BGP)

• The Sex Pistols flip the bird to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

• I thought Luther Campbell had already been retired from rap? (Davey D)

• James Blunt is the new Chris Martin (from Coldplay).

• Downloading has reached an impressive milestone. (Independent)

• Queer music from the 60s.

• Nee-yo came up with the most appropriate title for his debut single. (BWE)

• Hip Hop invades the Smithsonian. (Davey D)

• Earrings get caught in your headphones? Here's a solution. (Boing Boing)

"Unschooling": a Kid's Wildest Dream

When these kids grow up, do they get to do this magical thing called "unwork", where they get paid to do whatever they want, and they don't have to show up if they don't want to? Welcome to the world of "unschooling" -- an educational movement where kids, not parents, not teachers, decide what they will learn that day... An extension of home-schooling, "unschooling" is when parents give their children total freedom to learn and explore whatever they choose... There are no mandatory books, no curriculum, no tests and no grades... The term "unschooling" was first coined in 1977 by John Holt, an education reformer, the founder of Holt Associates and author of the book, "Teach Your Own." Holt felt traditional home-schooling didn't go far enough. He believed parents should not duplicate schools in their homes. He favored an education more freewheeling in nature, one that depends on the child for direction. The expectation is that along the way they will get an education. "No School, No Books, No Teacher's Dirty Looks" (CNN)

Some Surprising Celebrity Secrets

• Gwen Stefani admits that she's had only two boyfriends in her life: No Doubt band mate Tony Kanal and husband Gavin Rossdale.

• Early in her career, Whitney Houston sang the jingle used in commercials for Bounce fabric sheets.

• Keira Knightley was Queen Amidala's decoy in Star Wars: Episode 1 though the film was promoted as if Natalie Portman played both roles.

• In 1993, Jessica Simpson tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club but panicked after watching Christina Aguilera audition. "I froze and forgot everything" she says. She lost out to both Christina and Britney Spears.

• Tom Cruise admits that he still does the Risky Business underwear dance when he's at home alone. He calls it his "dance of freedom".

• Mariah Carey was nicknamed "Mirage" in high school because she never showed up for class.

• Comic actor Jack Black is the son of rocket scientists. His mother worked on the Hubble telescope, and his father worked on "some stuff that i can't tell you about," Jack says.

• Paris Hilton has size 11 feet! "All those super cute shoes like Guccis and Monolos look like clown shoes on me".

• Madonna is related to both Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion. Gwen's great aunt's mother-in-law shares the same last name as Madonna Ciccone and an ancestor of Madonna's mother was married to a distant relative of Celine's dad.

• Heidi Klum is an avid painter and several of her works have appeared in US art magazines.

• Both Olsen twins had to wear fake teeth during the later years of Full House because their smiles began to look different.

• American Beauty star Thora Birch's mom acted in 21 adult films including Deep Throat under the name Carol Connors before retiring in 1993.

• Halle Berry used to date New Kid on the Block Danny Wood. They broke up because the band thought she was a groupie.

The entire list can be found here. (ONTD)

News and Nonsense

• Denzel denies the rumors that his marriage is on the rocks.

• The best and worst moments of the Olympics. (ONTD)

• Bono and Bob Geldof have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. (PopWatch)

• Sheryl Crow has received treatment for breast cancer, and thankfully Lance Armstrong lends his support.

• Does a Paris Hilton lookalike do everything that Paris does? (ONTD)

• Will there be a Desperate Housewives boycott? Or do enough people still watch the show to care? (Defamer)

• Wikipedia + "How To" = wikiHow.

• The NAACP Image Award winners have been announced. (LAT)

• Bode Miller spends the Olympics having a kegger. (SFgate)

• More witt from Ann Coulter-- oh wait, that's an oxymoron, isn't it? (ONTD)

It's Been a Year: The Personal Post

I've managed to keep this blog up for a whole year. I'm not as much amazed as I am worried that a whole year has gone by so fast (time flies faster as you get older). I'm afraid that one day I'll blink my eyes and 3 weeks will pass by... Anyway, I've been slacking here lately. I've just gone through a career change, which, oddly enough, leaves me with more time to blog, but I've been busy doing other things. While I probably won't be posting on a daily basis (as I did long ago), I will attempt to post several times a week. Thanks to the 3.5 people who leave comments from time to time. It's nice to know that someone out there finds this blog amusing on some days. Keeping it snarky in 2006, dParker2.0

The Blond Bond Controversy

Some people take some things way too seriously. Yes, Daniel Craig is funny looking, annoying, and has questionable acting skills... but, hasn't that been the case for most of the actors who have played James Bond? Even Pierce Brosnan got this same treatment when he became Bond. People didn't like Timothy Dalton, but they didn't want Pierce. Pierce was only chosen because the other actors who were recruited turned down the opportunity. Some people even wanted to put Sean Connery back into the role, but Sean showed us all back then that he's no Harrison Ford... You're not supposed to take James Bond seriously. He's too good to be true. A suave, sophisticated, sexy, super spy? Most real spies are not much to look at, and are quite unassuming; this is how they manage to remain successful at their trade. So, of course, 007 is a fantasy. Who knew that people would get so upset about something so frivolous?

Musical Musings

• The Observer profiles Prince.

• Lauryn Hill still hasn't gotten over herself.

• Profile of Rick Rubin can be found here. (Guardian UK)

• Kevin Fertile-line sure does know how to recycle his 15 minutes.

• The producers at the Brits decided to edit all the bullshit out of Kanye West's acceptance speech. (Seven)

• Cheryl "Salt" James is finally releasing her "urban inspirational" album. Meanwhile, Sandy "Pepa" Denton is preparing for the latest VH1 celebreality show. (Boogie Tonight)

• Since her album isn't selling itself, Toni Braxton will tour this spring.

• Terrance Howard won't pimp himself at the Oscars, but he will pimp himself for people who pay cash. (SOHH)

• Has Madonna exchanged her sex drive for the constant rush of an adrenaline high? (Slate)

• Kid Rock takes pity on the public by trying to stop the release of his porn tape which also stars Scott Stapp. (BWE)

Wednesday Whirl

• Lucy Liu apparently thinks that being politically correct is more important that being logical.

• What does it say about America when most of our newscasters are blond? (Slate)

• Is it even possible to market wifebeaters in a tasteful way? (Adrants)

• Donald Trump believes that other people should take responsibility for their actions, but of course, he's above all that himself. (Defamer)

• Americans aren't into foreign films, because it's too challenging to listen to dialogue and read subtitles at the same time. (Newsweek)

• Samuel L. Jackson wants to pull a George Clooney.

• Getting all this Brokeback business straight. (Defamer)

• Shani Davis likes to give hugs. (Towleroad)

• Did Johnny Weir drop the D from the end of his name? (Dan Renzi)

Freegans: Taking "Extra Crunchy Granola" a Step Further

Those dumpster divers that you see hanging around in the alley might not be homeless; they just might be freegans: Under the cover of night, I stealthily lift the lid of the dustbin and shine in my torch. It's below zero and my hands are shaking as I rummage inside. I'm on the hunt for food. But I'm not homeless and I could certainly afford to go to the shops if I wanted to. So, why am I doing this? Quite simply, I'm living as a freegan. Dining on food from a dustbin may have once been the preserve of tramps, but for many it is now becoming a lifestyle choice. Freeganism - a combination of the words "free" and "vegan"- is a movement whose devotees take responsibility for the impact of their consumer choices and find alternative ways of meeting their everyday needs. This includes housing, clothing and, most surprisingly, food. Around 17 million tons of food are buried in British landfill sites every year, four million of which are edible. Sometimes, disposal is the cheapest option available to the food industry. "Freegans: The Bin Scavengers" (Independent)

Monday Musings

• If Jennifer Aniston did a nude scene in a film, would people be tempted to leave the theaters to go home to watch Angelina Jolie movies instead? (Movie Blog)

• NYT reports on the fashions, or lack thereof, in the Olympics.

• This guy wasn't looking for a wife, he was looking for a slave. (via Bomani Jones)

• Isaac Mizrahi promises to grope women and ask embarrassingly intrusive questions at the Oscars, too. (CNN)

• Catherine Deneuve expected Americans to be too homophobic to make Brokeback Mountain a success. She doesn't need to worry; the "gay cowboy" fad will be over pretty soon...

• When did Carrot Top start to look like Bozo the Clown on steroids? (DListed)

• The rules of getting a tattoo, and the difference between a tattooist and a tatoo artist. (SFGate)

• Are special effects making the kung fu star extinct? (HHM)

• Spike Lee seems to have conveniently forgotten that there were a few shootings in movie theaters when Do the Right Thing came out.

• Nick Lachey needs alimony to tide him over until the next mealticket comes along his solo career takes off. (WWTDD)

Sour Notes

• Even if Mick Hucknall wasn't rich, he'd still be an asshole. (Observer)

• Introducing the Hip Hop bus tour. (NYT)

• Another Hip-Hop-has-jumped-the-shark argument. (Davey D)

• PopMatters profiles Lewis Taylor.

• Interview with Jody Watley. (Rod 2.0)

• Behind the Brit Awards. (Independent)

• As if we weren't exposed to enough shitty music from the mainstream, MySpace exposes us to even more. (EBX)

• While the LA Times tries to figure out why American Idol still gets top ratings, NBC invests in a clone.

• Is Kanye West's outrageous behavior a desperate bid to boost dismal album sales? (HHB)

The Plight of the Trophy Wife

Is this the plight of the successful golddigger? Is this what most party girls ultimately aspire to be? Being a trophy wife means signing up to a life of emotional neglect. The kind of man who wants a trophy wife is, by definition, busy making money, and only interested in what he needs to keep him fit for making more. Not only is he never around, when he is, the understanding is that he has paid not to have to listen to any of the boring details of her life (though she may cutely try on clothes for his approval). Trophy wife exists to soothe him after a stressful working day, to keep him in sleek condition and to showcase his wealth and good taste. If the boiler exploded earlier on, rich husband doesn’t want to hear about it. If trophy wife’s mother is seriously ill, rich husband doesn’t want to be bothered. The deal is that she is supportive, compliant, endlessly cheerful and pleasing to look at, and makes no demands on rich husband whatsoever, other than via his chequebook. Gastric flu in the night? Move to another floor, girl, sharpish, and make sure you shake it off before it starts to affect his life. Depression? Double the Prozac dose, and on no account let the smile slip. What's the point of being able to buy all the nice clothes and expensive jewelry you could ever want if your husband is too preoccupied with making more money to take notice? Maybe some of these women could empower themselves by following Kimora Lee Simmons's example: spend your husband's money creatively. "Hard Cash: Maybe Trophy Wives Deserve All the Money They Get Their Hands On" (London Times)

News and Nonsense

• Gwyneth Paltrow thinks Brits are more intelligent and cultured, yet she doesn't want her daughter to talk like them.

• Dick Cheney shot a man; why does this news not sound shocking? (The Bosh)

• European TV commercials never cease to be edgy... (Adrants)

• While American ads are more often found as the newest plot device in your favorite TV show. (LA Times)

• Has Oprah cloned herself? How could she possibly have time to do one more thing?

• John Stossel is the poor man's Bill O'Reilly.

• Is Kevin Powell the only Real World alum who has actually done something with his life? (Davey D)

• Further proof that there is nothing new under the sun: sequels to My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Are We There Yet are in the works. (Movie Blog, IWS)

• Sharon Stone would rather be nude than wear push up bras, because what's the point in leaving anything to the imagination?

• 70 is the new 50, and 50 is the new 30. 20 is still 20, though... (NYT)

Madonna Gives Up Reinvention to Rehash Her Own Past

Is it time for Madonna to retire? And I don't mean retire like Cher and Tina Turner did, by continuously touring for five years after the announcement. Judging by her performance at the Grammys, and her new/old style and music, should she just give up trying to be the top diva? Madonna used to be all about paving new ground, constantly reinventing herself to make us watch in wonder. "What is Madonna going to come up with next?" used to be the burning question. Now, it seems to be more of a question of "Why did she decide to come out with this?" In the past, the only question on our minds was "How?", now, more often, it's "Why?": ...and here she is, spinning on her head and turning up everywhere in the old leotard and fishnets combo. Granted, she looks fantastic. And we all know she works hard at it. But it seems to me that there’s something a bit desperate about the whole get-up. It looks needy and hungry for approval, and if there’s one thing we don’t imagine Madonna to be it’s needy. She was never a supplicant and yet here she is, urging us all to marvel at how fabulously hot and up to speed she is, for a woman pushing 50. Why? It’s an odd policy from someone so canny. Her natural fan base — those people who have been interested in what she was up to since the early 1980s — are no longer spring chickens themselves and are more likely to be interested in her views on childcare than in the pertness of her ass. Those who came in later may love her most recent CD, Confessions on a Dance Floor, but they’re perplexed by her hyper-teenage gyrations. My son, for example, is 13, and finds her bewildering. I was watching him watching her contortions on MTV recently and asked what he thought. “She’s old, isn’t she,” was the unflattering reply. Most of us of a certain age have seen most of there is to see on Madonna, and yes, we know she is still beautiful and sexy. Oddly enough, Madonna's decision in recent years to leave more to the imagination was actually a successful one. Yes, we still poked fun at her tweed suits, her faux-English-country-house airs, and her manufactured pseudo-posh accent, but it was something new. Newness is what made Madonna famous. Now that Madonna's current version of "newness" is akin to the concept of a "new used car", will people still continue to be fascinated with her innovations? Or will they just write her off as the next has-been? "Act Your Age Madge" (London Times)

Sunday Sundries

• Morgan Freeman wants to be Satan. (Independent)

• "Luxury" sex toys? Is it safe to say that "it's not how much you pay for it, but how well you use it"? (SFGate)

• Interview with Kiefer Sutherland. (Seven)

• Steve Martin continues to work the Hollywood system. (Slate)

• If poker can be classified as a sport, maybe dominoes can be, too. Another sport for the sedentary people out there. (LA Times)

• More proof that Americans are the laziest people on the planet. (NYT)

• How the E-List makes a living. (SFGate)

• Interview with Joaquin Phoenix. (Seven)

• Marlon Brando was bisexual, among other things… (London Times)

Let Them Don their "Freedom Caps"

Again, those hideous berets for the U.S. Winter Olympics team: ...the beret has become the official headgear of American Olympians. For this we can blame Canada. Roots, a Canadian apparel company, has been outfitting our team since 2002. At that year's Salt Lake City Games, the company introduced the Roots Team U.S.A. Beret, a dowdy fleece hat with a tight-fitting brim and poufy crown. It was neither attractive nor particularly flattering. But it was a hit. After the hat debuted in the opening ceremony, the Roots boutique in Park City took in $10 million. The proprietor of a Utah flower shop called Roots got so many inquiries about the hat that she stopped picking up the phone. All told, Roots sold more than a million of the things. ...The difficulty with the beret is deciding how to wear it. Do you pull it up at the center (à la Bonnie, of Bonnie and Clyde)? Or do you wear it to the side? If so, which side, and how far over? Men sometimes tilt their berets back, but the effect can be very Che Guevara or very Joe Pantoliano—you have to know your limits. Even the men who serve in our special forces—implacable in the face of gunshots, spiders, and torture—tremble when faced with their first beret. This training manual lists the tools you'll need to break one in (stain guard, razor blade, scissors, seamstress) and common beret-wearing mistakes, such as the "Swiveled Beret," the "Pancake Beret," and the "Giant Forehead." Whichever way it's worn, the Torino beret is hideous. Why can't they just have the team wear baseball caps? How much more American can you get than that? "Wrongheaded: The Return of the Awful Olympic Beret" (Slate)

When Did the Olympics Get to be so Boring?

I remember when I was a kid, I was all into the Olympics, even watching the sports that I knew nothing about. Just the idea of the entire event and the meaning behind it was enough to get excited about. Now, though, all of it is just boring, even the (few) sports that I thought I liked. At first, I thought that maybe excitement over the Olympics might just be strictly a "kid's" thing, but then I remember that my parents would get all into it too... maybe this is one more thing that I've become jaded about. After the spirit of the competition lost its appeal, then there were those annoying personal profiles, where we got to hear about every single athlete's hard-luck story. For a long time, it seemed as though a person couldn't get a spot on an Olympic team unless they'd grown up as a starving, destitute orphan. They showed more of these profiles than they would show of the actual competitions, which is nice when you're watching a TV movie of the week, but if I wanted to see something like that, I'd watch Lifetime. After enough people complained about the "Olympics-as-a-series-of-biographical-vignettes-with-a-little-sports-coverage-thrown-in", we got to see more of the competitions, but only if Americans happened to be competing. This jingoistic coverage was odd, given that the whole point of the Olympics is to bring different countries and cultures of the world together. Now watching the Olympics was just like watching the news: we got to see the same 4 stories repeated numerous times, while the rest of the world was turning, and learning about everything else. The opening ceremony last night was -- words can't really describe it, but I think "cheesy" comes to mind. It didn't seem to be smoothly thought out. I guess I've grown used to the commentators explaining every little detail about such things, so when I was forced to watch the proceedings with no inane commentary, I thought I'd lucked out, but then I realized that maybe I actually needed the "Olympics Opening Ceremony for Dummies" to help me through the odd costumes and the confusing dance routines. I guess I'll end up watching more, if there's nothing else on. I typically keep the TV on for extra light and noise, or as my daily radiation supplement.

Blogging the Grammys 2006

The 48th Annual Grammys was actually a better show than I've seen in recent years. Although we had to wait two hours for things to finally get interesting, it wasn't as bad as some of the ceremonies have been. The broadcast was performance-heavy, which was a good idea; after so many acceptance speeches, the mind starts to wander, and the fingers start to tingle with an urge to change the channel. Some of the more hyped performances fell flat, while others were surprisingly good. It was a long night, but I managed to stay awake through the whole show. Madonna/Gorillaz/De la Soul "Don't believe the hype"... Madonna's performance was boring. The Gorillaz were more entertaining, and they sounded better. Madonna didn't actually start singing until halfway through the song, when she finally began to huff and puff along with the backing track. I kept wishing that the performance had been limited to De La Soul and the Gorillaz. Alicia Keys/Stevie Wonder They did an a capella version of "Higher Ground", which was actually nice. Alicia was overly deferrential in an annoying way, calling Stevie, "Mr. Wonder" (which sounded jarring every time she said it), but Stevie was good humored enough to tease her when she tried to play a few notes through his harmonica, "Don't you put no spit in my harmonica, girl!" Coldplay ...Yawn... John Legend He performed "Ordinary People", and really sounded much better than usual. I guessed that he might have been taking voice lessons, because the horrible raspiness of his that makes him sound like he drinks a 5th of vodka every day was kept to a minimum. U2 and Mary J. Blige U2 performed "Vertigo" and then Mary J. came out to duet on "One", which is my favorite U2 song. I'd been really interested in hearing the combination, but I was sorely disappointed. Mary did her trademark growling and screaming, and totally ruined the song. Maybe if she'd sung it alone it wouldn't have been so bad, but with Bono singing wonderfully beside her, the screaming just did not work. Mariah I've finally come to the conclusion that Mariah needs to warm up before she starts to sound good-- and I mean during the performance, and not before-- She started with "We Belong Together", which sounded awful (her backup singers had to take over for her), but she finally came into her own for her next selection, a gospel number, where she brought the house down. And thankfully, she was completely covered up (even her cleavage was covered by her hair extensions). Maybe Mariah should always travel with a church group, to save us from seeing all of her naughty bits... The Sly Stone Tribute I never thought that I'd ever see so many people that I absolutely hate onstage together all at the same time. Joss Stone, John Legend, Fantasia, Will I. Am... thank goodness someone had the good sense not to have all of these people singing at the same time. Joss Stone, John Legend, and Van Hunt sang together (how did Van Hunt get invited?)... Adam Levine looked like he felt sorry for Ciara as he watched her make some squeaky noises in the microphone. I think she gave up trying to sing at one point, and just stood there looking at Adam and the others... she was obviously clueless to what was going on... some guy named Randy Lima had the challenge of not straining his vocal chords while trying to yell through all of Fantasia's squawking... Randy Jackson from American Idol, Robert Rudolph, and Patrice Rushen were in the band... Aerosmith joined in, too... all of this before someone pulled Sly out of his sarcophagus and let him come out for a few minutes to sing two bars and play a little keyboard (in his platinum blond mohawk)... Sly soon left the rest to continue making noise by themselves. Jay-Z/Linkin Park/Paul McCartney It sounds odd, but this was one of the best performances of the night. I was surprised how well "Encore" actually mixed with the Beatles' "Yesterday". And the two younger artists held their own with Paul; you'd have thought that the end would have been all about Paul, but it was a nice blend. Kanye West/Jamie Foxx This performance of "Golddigger" had to be seen to be believed. Kanye and Jamie did a whole marching band/School Daze meets Drumline type of spoof, and oddly enough, it worked. It was campy, but very entertaining, especially the step sequences from the "Golddiggers" sorority and the "Broke Phi Broke" fraternity. Herbie Hancock and Christina Aguilera Christina proved what I've been saying all along: she makes beautiful music with the right people. All she needs is a stylist, and the right producers, and she could be another Mariah. The rest of the show was pretty ho-hum, but that was to be expected. I don't know anyone who could stay riveted to one show for 3+ hours. And with the addition of the preshows (anyone who watched the one on E! now knows for certain that Ryan Seacrest is an idiot), it would take a lot of dedication to sit through the whole thing (without the advantage of TiVo). Here is a complete list of the nominees and the winners.

Random Ruminations

• Jesse Martin to play Marvin Gaye in a new biopic. (IWS)

• Jessica Simpson actually grosses some people out. (Adrants)

• The L Word ignores diversity in more ways than one. (After Ellen)

• 10 Signs of a golddigger. (Davey D)

• Movies "with meaning" are all the rage. (Independent)

• Is Matthew Goode being groomed to become the new Hugh Grant? (Fametracker)

• We probably won't be seeing too many red dresses on the red carpet after this. (Defamer)

• How much does your laugh say about you? (East Bay Express)

• Sarah Jessica Parker complains about the cult of celebrity and how it distracts from "important issues", but have we seen her doing anything "important" lately? (A Socialite's Life)

• Amazing Race has learned not to ruin a good formula. (MSNBC)

• A neat man trap game that could also work as a means of binding and gagging any man you want to shag snag. (Gawker)

• Who would ever have thought that Heidi Klum just might uphold thinness as an ideal?

• Typical BET, skipping the important stuff to show crap instead.

• A Lance Armstrong biopic? Sounds like something for the Lifetime Network. (Defamer)

• A public pillowfight is an interesting idea... until you think about the fact that people used to use pillows as silencers for their guns... (SFGate)

• It's hard to blame Harry Hamlin for being pissed right now. (The Big Gay Picture)

News and Nonsense

• It still pays (and pays well) to be pretty. (Forbes)

• Could Paris Hilton be mean, spiteful, and vindictive? No!

• Is it really true that "Three girls in a bed is a bedful of girls, but two girls in a bed are lesbians"? (I thought that depended on what they were doing....) And who made Tom Ford an expert on women? (The Bosh, HotHouse)

• This is why some celebrities shy away from their fans... (A Socialite's Life)

• Instead of shelling out tons of money for a psychologist, celebrities now rely on their hair stylists for advice and coping strategies. (NYT)

• There's still no hope for teenaged girls. (Gawker)

• Typecasting pays the rent, at least, for Kim Cattrall, it does. (BWE)

• As if we needed another Ocean's Eleven sequel, George Clooney is working on a television series based on the films. This may be the first thing of his to tank in years (pardon the pun).

• Ha. (Adrants)