Blogging the BET Awards

Since I'm going to attempt to sit through the entire show, I'll need something productive to do while I vegetate... The Fugees Perform Lauryn Hill... I can't tell if she's sweating from the weird wig that she's wearing, or crying crocodile tears... this has got to be one of the worst performances I've ever seen... Lauryn's voice is all over the place, and so is the humongous floppy bow that is draped over her shoulder; she looks as if she was rushed to the stage before she was ready, and there is no chemistry whatsoever between her and Pras and Wyclef... and this medley has gone on like, 10 minutes too long. I think the audience is applauding just to be polite, or because that's what the director is telling them to do. Presenting "President and First Lady of Black America"... But first, some cheesy take-off of one of the royal dance sequences from "Coming to America". Will and Jada arrive on stage in a horse and carriage, with spinning rims on the carriage wheels. Will says, "We had black horses for the rehearsal... but they was tripping." Will is over extending himself already (his tux, for some reason, makes me think of Bagger Vance), and they are hamming up the "blackness factor". Will and Jada set the ground rules:

1. A "3 Homeboy limit" (no entourages); Jada explains, "It's not like y'all are dumping a body..."
2. "It's not the Pimp of the Year awards, it's the BET awards. Do not thank God if you can't show or perform your work in church. Just thank your management and keep it moving..."

Halle Berry presents Best Group

She looks nervous... maybe she's remembering all the reports about violence at the Source Awards... after all, they did let The Game perform... Destiny's Child wins. They thank God anyway, setting the precedent as being the first group of the night to break Jada's rule. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" ...a spoof on the counseling scenes in Brangelina's "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"... starring Will and Jada. Missy Elliot Performs... Missy's wearing a track suit with MJ airbrushed on the jacket (all of her dancers do too; it makes for a weird visual)... Ciara comes out of this pod-type thing... everybody dances, nobody even attempts to sing or do real vocals;they're pretty talented lip synchers... maybe they should have had the Fugees lip synch, because Lauryn's voice was all over the place... they've got Anthony Anderson as the "shout out" dude... oh, no, that's not him... all the dancers were apparently treated to some complimentary crunk juice laced with crack; I don't know any other feasible explanation to explain how they're able to move so fast... "shout out dude" has taken off his shirt and is jiggling his fat... I may be missing something now, but I just have to turn away from the screen for a moment after that. Terrance Howard and Eva Pigford present Best Female Artist Terrance Howard tells Eva that she's the "most beautful woman he's ever seen"... which just shows how vain he must be, because she looks like she could be his sister... Alicia Keys wins... she's wearing something that looks straight out of 1983 (well, "straight" may not be the correct term to use, if I were one to listen to rumors and idle gossip). Tonight must be all about disco fever, because not only is Alicia wearing some granny type blouse (with polka-dots!) paired with knickers (or knee pants, for you Brits out there)... Jada's wearing the same type of outfit...

The Game Performs The Game performs in a cloud of smoke from an over zealous fog machine. Everyone is standing up, not because The Game told them to jam, but so that they can be ready to run just in case 50 Cent and his crew decide to show up and start clowning ... Mary J. is singing with him... with a discofabulous golden hairdo, and ack... gauchos! The Game has his son (or somebody's son) on stage with him... its a shame that he's using the kid as a shield... I'm wondering what the "B" stands for on his medallion... "Bling"? Gabrielle Union and Nelly present ... something... Gabrielle fails miserably in her attempt at ghetto shtick... Nelly hasn't gotten high yet... so he's pretty coherent so far... John Legend wins... something... John Legend looks really gay, for some reason; maybe it's the lavender shirt... I've heard Kanye West's name like 10 times already tonight, and he's not even there. I'm starting to wonder if Kanye is paying people to drop his name whenever there is a moment of silence...

Destiny's Child Performs

Destiny's Child performs that shitty song, "Cater 2U"...their stage presence is strangely reminiscent of the Supremes... Kelly's weave looks like it's going to come to life and strangle her... they go to the audience to drag Nelly, Terrance Howard, and Magic Johnson out of audience to give them lap dances... Terrance is sweating, because Beyonce is grinding her ass into his lap... each of they guys is grinning from ear to ear... Jay-Z is going to have to have a talk with Terrance later on, because he looks like he's seriously ready to "get right" with Beyonce... Tom Cruise... Urghhh!!! presents Best Actor... Jamie Foxx wins... (I'm watching the West coast feed, so it appears that they cut some of Tom's presentation out)... Jamie recorded his acceptance speech... Tom is surprisingly subdued... Oprah must have quizzed him before the show, "Now Tom, you know you can't be showing out in front of all these black folks... If you want them to go out to see your movie, you've got to chill on the Scientology tip." Jada presents John Legend... Jada's look gets more ghetto fabulous as the night progresses... John Legend, performing, must have taken a few voice lessons... he doesn't sound as bad as he normally does... but then, Stevie Wonder appears from the shadows, making me realize that Stevie should have been the one to record this song. And now I realize where the melody of the song comes from... "My Cherie Amour"... as someone once said, "There's nothing new under the sun." Anthony Anderson and Queen Latifah present Best Male Artist

Latifah tells Anthony that he looks "rough and tough" in his new movie role; he tells Latifah that she looks "tough" in her Covergirl commercials... Latifah calls in the "Set It Off" girls... they take all his valuables... and his shoes... they strip Anthony practically naked... Ursher wins... Only on BET...

...the disclaimer for the call-in voting for Favorite Artist (or whatever they're calling the award picked by a bunch of sugar-hyped tweens and teeny boppers): "If you're under 18, make sure that you get your parents' permission before you call-- 'cause we ain't paying nobody's phone bill..." T.I. Performs

He must be good at using the rhyming dictionary (he must be a big Lenny Kravitz fan)... they dragged Sheila E. out of obscurity to liven up the set... and now, all of a sudden, there is a throng of scantily clad women right up on the stage... typical BET... rented some skanks for hire to grace the front row... Amerie, Nick Cannon, and Mario present best Male Rap Artist Amerie and Mario compliment each other on their songs... Nick doesn't even try to mention his regrettable attempts at rapping, so he pretends to have an interest in singing, to mack on the ladies... Kanye wins... thank goodness he's not in attendance... the show would probably run 4 and 1/2 hours if he'd shown up... Wu Tang Clan pays tribute to the Late ODB

... Method Man is curiously not there... or is that him standing behind RZA? If it is, he's still "not there"... Henry Simmons and Meagan Good present Best Actress Regina King wins... I don't remember her being in a movie last year... oh, yeah, she was in "Ray".

Mariah Carey Performs

She's really nervous, like a kid in a talent show... I've heard that she suffers from terrible stage fright, but really, she's got enough money by now to hire a hypnotist or something to cure that...or maybe she should a more effective method: going on an actual tour sometime. Tito Jackson is here, for some reason...

He's apparently repping the Jackson family-- trying to prep everyone for the upcoming Jacksons tour-- I mean ... thanking everybody for their support during yet another one of the "family's time of crisis"... Steve Harvey Presents the Lifetime Achievement Award

Steve is dressed in buttercreme from head to toe... including his shoes, looking like a life-sized gingerbread man covered in yellow frosting. He presents the Lifetime Achievement Award for Gladys Knight... "40 yrs of class and elegance... no catfights with Aretha Franklin in the studio, no guns hanging out the limo window... " Faith Evans sings Gladys... she has on an elegant dress... I'll have to deduct 40 points for too much tatoo exposure... Toni Braxton is in a dress that she wore 5 years ago, and the weave looks just as old... but Toni and Faith put all the other singers to shame... they're the only 2 performers so far who are able to carry a tune and sing in the right key. And they can actually sing together and make it sound good. Why is this an exception and not the rule? Alicia Keys presents the award to Gladys... Gladys gets a trophy so big that it won't fit on the average mantel, nor in a regular display case with her other awards, she'll have to construct a whole new one just for that gaudy thing... Gladys is dignified, and poised, an example... hopefully Kanye West is at home taking notes.

Gladys Knight Performs

... showing us what real singing sounds like. Isaiah Washington pays tribute to the Late Ossie Davis, then we get more of Will and Jada Will complains that he didn't get a lap dance from Destiny's Child... oh no Jada's gonna give will a lap dance... actually, Jada wants Will to give her one! Dwayne Martin and Lisa Raye-Whatever-her-name-is now...

Lisa Raye says that she's a single mother (I thought she just got married?)... they present O'Marion... who has a military motif to his dance routine... he should have rethought this tactic, because the Army recruiters might be sizing him up. I don't know if what he and the other dancers are doing can really be classified as pop-and-lock-- they all really look like life-sized marionettes. All these people who "sing" and dance should just be called "dancers", because they never do any actual singing. The Banks family from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" come out

... Alphonso Ribeiro must really need a paycheck ... if it hadn't been for Michael Jackson's numerous plastic surgeries, Alphonso might have been able to forge a career impersonating him... such a shame... they introduce Best Athlete... Shaq wins.

Will Smith... again...

I never thou.ght I'd actually want to see more of Jada, but right now, I think I'd rather see her than him. Will makes a speech about kids in a village in Mozambique being inspired by American entertainers to introduce some gospel group, who does pop-and-lock moves ... they look like performers from a PBS kid's show... and oh no... here comes Fantasia... squawking like a wounded duck... Ray Jay is here to tell us something boring...

Who let Ray Jay in? He must have bummed his tickets from Brandy... Bob Johnson presents BET's new CEO

Bob Johnson strolls out... to introduce the new CEO of BET, who's a woman, Deborah Lee (will this be the end of the video ho?)... even he wants a lap dance from Beyonce... Bob also presents Humanitarian award to Denzel and Pauletta Washington... Pauletta accepts, Denzel couldn't make it, because Spike Lee wouldn't let him off the set of his new movie long enough to attend the show, because everybody knows that Spike has mad beef with most of the "Hip Hop Community" right now... Ciara performs... with Ludacris

Luda raps while Ciara grinds the roof of a car... Ciara needs to take a few more lessons before she can be certified as a dancer... I don't think she could even be classified as an adequate stripper, althought "exotic dancer" might work for her; she needs a makeover, to get rid of that "tranny" look. Michael Ealey and Magic Johnson best Gospel Artist

... how did Kanye get nominated for gospel? He has got to be doling out some payola somewhere. Judge Mathis is here

... to pay tribute the Late Johnnie Cochran Fat Joe and Some Random Stripper-looking-Chick (I missed her name) present Best Performance Duo

... Ciara and Missy win... Ciara looks like even more like a tranny standing next to Missy.

It must be obvious that I'm getting tired now...

Li'l Jon and a Group of Guys (that I'm too old to recognize) step out

... subtitles would be helpful at this point... crunk music just sounds like a series of "ooga-oogas" to me... apparently, it takes 20 guys to perform this one song ;Mike Jones can't do it alone... everybody is shuffling around the stage, grunting out the same lyrics, to create this weird caveman-ish echo-effect... I missed something... (because I switched, briefly, to Six Feet Under)... Teena Marie rips it up

Teena Marie, the blackest white woman ever, gives tribute to Rick James spoken word style... and in the process, she puts the majority of "rap artists" who've performed tonight to shame... Stevie Wonder sings his new song

... and Stevie does a dance routine... ,.. I missed something else... turning to Six Feet Under again... (a more appropriate title would be Six Degrees of Separation from Sheer Lunacy)... ...Kanye West won something else... the show seems to be wrapping up... and I know somewhere in here, I missed Lauryn Hill's second performance. Judging by the first, maybe that is a good thing...

Musical Musings

• Common's so sensitive; he's branching out to write children's books. (AHH)
• Supreme Court lowers the boom on file sharing companies. (BBC)
• Gwen Stefani to launch a headache/nightmare inducing tour with Black Eyed Peas. (MTV)
• Beyonce to auction off some of her frocks to charity; the collection includes a top made from some of Cher's old leggings.
• Kanye West shows that his ego knows no bounds-- I would have said that he sucks his own cock, but Tim Westwood eagerly does it for him. (HHB)
• Can the Blues be resurrected by a group of punk rockers? (Independent)
• Charlotte Church can stop trying to show us that she's no longer an angel; we're already thoroughly convinced. (Perez Hilton)
• "How to Handle a Hip Hop Backpacker"-- or how not to write a blog entry that generalizes about Hip Hop Backpackers. (HHB)
• Michael Jackson thanks his supporters; now if only he would listen to the ones who keep telling him to stay away from young boys. (MTV)
• "Superhead" to write a tell-all book; celebrity STD testing expected to spike soon after book is released. (Newsweek)
• Shar Jackson must be milking something out of this whole Spederline thing. (Perez Hilton)

"Gaydar": Myth or Trait of Human Adaption?

From NYT: To the Editor: Re "Gay or Straight? Hard to Tell" (June 19): After spending a year studying gaydar for my senior thesis at Harvard University [emphasis mine], I take issue with David Colman's description of gaydar as "totally unscientific." Gaydar, social psychologists have shown, is a robust phenomenon that may serve important adaptive functions for gay men and lesbians. Research indicates that individuals can accurately predict a stranger's sexual orientation at levels above chance when presented with minimal information. My own research determined that nonverbal facial expressions led to remarkably high levels of perceptual accuracy. These findings are functionally important for two reasons. First, it is well documented that stigmatized groups maintain a heightened level of awareness. Gay men and lesbians may develop their sharpened gaydar to fend off anti-gay prejudice. Second, as a statistical minority, gay men and lesbians must rely on their gaydar as they pursue potential romantic partners. William Lee Adams Boston Now, a few questions:

-A senior thesis on gaydar, at Harvard?? That must be the easiest coursework since the study that showed that tv soap operas are addictive.

-"Gaydar" is a real concept-- phenomenon? I thought it was just a kitschy term that some comedian made up.

-So, like, if two people of the same sex smiled at each other, does this mean that they're gay? Or just how many "nonverbal facial expressions" do you have to exchange in order to figure out that someone is gay? What if one person isn't good at reading faces, and the other person has a "poker face"?

-Gaydar helps gay people to find romantic partners? I thought all I had to do was to cruise chicks at the lesbian bar on the corner, or like, hang out at Gay Pride...

Monday Musings

• One of the most "uncool" publications endeavors to tell us what the 50 Coolest Websites are. (Time)
• Terry McMillan discovers that her husband was creeping on the down low; now we're just waiting for Star Jones to figure out the same thing about her husband. (SFgate)
• You can find a collection of creepy album covers here. (Best Week Ever)
• Apparently, Harry Potter just isn't growing up fast enough (or is J.K. Rowling not cranking the books out fast enough?). (LAT)
• Even the Governator's kids aren't patient enough to help him with his English.
• Koolaid with a kick. (HHB)
• Newsflash: people don't like to spend money to see crappy movies. (SFgate)
• Nancy Grace is still pissed off at the Michael Jackson jury. (WaPo)
• Do Hello Kitty and the White Stripes have something in common? (Modern Age)
• Now men are allowed to add padding to beef up their packages; I'm sure underwire will definitely be a no-go for these. (Newsweek)
• Flattering styles for the flat-chested woman. (Daily Candy)
• It's not just your imagination; it really does feel like a meat locker in the department stores-- they actually can store raw meat in the Macy's shoe department. (NYT)
• Is Vanity Fair just a really thick stroke mag? (Jossip)
• If you're fat, you're gonna die; if you diet, you're gonna die earlier. (Guardian UK)
• Ebony Magazine is pimping itself out like a true hustler. (Jossip)
• Since Patricia Cornwell has already made a fool of herself in her attempt to solve the mystery-- I wonder who's going to come up with the next Jack the Ripper Identity theory, Dan Brown? (WaPo)
• Are you ready for an "iPornPod"? (SFgate)
• LOGO is finally here... or is it?
• NYT apparently likes it when people hack into the website to bypass the registration. (Boing Boing)
• B-List actors attempt to make the grade on the London stage. (Newsweek)
• Ring tones are about to become even more annoying. (SFgate)

Join the boycott against Tom Cruise, Inc.

There is actually an "official" letter that someone has drafted (via Defamer), detailing the frightening episodes and the indescribable horrors that we have been forced to witness as a part of Tom Cruise's publicity campaign for "War of the Worlds": We, the undersigned, wish to inform you that we are compelled to boycott your movie “War of the Worlds”. Our decision is based solely on the abhorrent behavior of Mr. Tom Cruise. We will not be spending our good money to support the ridiculous and potentially dangerous antics of this raving narcissist. Mr. Cruise’s actions and comments have been offensive and insulting when not downright laughable... We are sick of being force-fed his relationship with Katie Holmes which, if it isn’t the publicity hoax it appears to be, is a pathetic, juvenile, attention mongering display. Tom’s obvious control of his Stepford-Wife-To-Be is frightening. We do not want to watch his ‘out of control’ yet suspiciously manipulative antics nor listen to his condescending, holier-than-thou judgments. This man cannot even articulate a coherent sentence. He should stick to reading movie scripts. Perhaps he views the aliens he battles in War of the worlds as a metaphor for the aliens he and his Scientology friends believe inhabit we humans. Relax Tom, it’s just a movie. A movie we will not be paying to see... Once I found out that he was actually pushing a movie, I was surprised to discover that he co-stars with another cringe-inducing actor, Dakota Fanning. The film is about aliens taking over the world-- and it stars Tom Cruise, and Dakota Fanning-- maybe there is more to this movie than we might think. Maybe Tom really does know more than the rest of us.

An interesting concept

A "Guide to the Idiots" (of the big city), of sorts. So far there's one for: San Francisco, Las Vegas, LA, NY, and OC.

Friday Flurry

• Pete Townshend is not the person who should be speaking out in Michael Jackson's defense right now.
• "Gay, or David Beckham"? Looking at Victoria, I'd say, both. (Jossip)
• Porn stars in tube socks? (SFgate)
• Samuel L. Jackson can no longer complain about "real actors" losing work. (MTV)
• Madonna is still sending mixed messages after all these years. (Guardian UK)
• Somebody must be putting the same stuff in Halle Berry's water that they're putting into Tom Cruise's. (Stereogum)
• This is just frightening. (Low Culture)
• Bobby Brown shows us a few more of his mental deficiencies before his reality show hits the air. (NYT)
• The Independent interviews Michael Stipe.
• Lindsay Lohan says she won't do nude scenes-- hopefully that term encompasses random (and carefully orchestrated) nip slips. (NSFW)
• Is Bill Cosby going to be the new freak of the week?
• 50 Cent is looking for the sexiest women in the world to be in his next video-- only, he can't afford their rates, so he'll settle for whoever answers his latest Craigslist ad. (TOTC)
• This boy must have been watching too much Tom Cruise coverage on TV. (Gawker)
• What do you get when you combine "The Surreal Life" and "American Idol"? "Celebrity Idol". (Popwatch)
• Beyonce gets teary-eyed at the mention of Destiny's Child's break up; she'll be lonely having no one left to overshadow.
• The Guardian tries to take a red pen to the modern rock singer's lyrics notebook. (Guardian UK)
• Li'l Kim is given a reprieve. (AHH)
• How to get hired and fired on the same day. (SFgate)
• Today show to open their "Hometown Wedding" contest to gay couples; why do I suspect that Carson Kressley had something to do with this? (Good as You)
• Somebody really needs to tell The Game that the game is over. (MTV)
• Photoshop contest: Sensational Headlines. (via Bestweekever)

Gay Pride Week brings gay media blitz

• Village Voice voices queer issues in its Queer Issue.
• SF Bay Guardian covers the "Gay Mecca" and the "Asexual Movement".
• Ilene Chaiken, creator of "The L Word", evades lots of different issues in a VV interview.
• Heather Gold muses about the moment when Gay Pride became tedious. (SFgate)
• Marga Gomez wishes that fewer hot lesbians made the move to become hasbians, because homely girls have hasbian potential, too. (VV)
• TMFTML covers the recent "gay friendly" trends in journalism.

Top 100 Most Powerfully Rich and Scary Celebrities

Last week, Forbes came out with the list of the "100 most powerful/rich celebrities". While it is obvious that some of the names would be included, there are some suprising entries that make you want to scratch your head. Of course, Oprah tops the list... the people in the Hermes store in Paris apparently didn't know this (we can probably start counting down the months until their profits begin to drop). Tiger Woods comes in second, that was obvious. And you'd expect people like Tom Cruise (#10), J.K. Rowling (#22), George Lucas (#4), and Steven Spielberg (#6), but... Judge Judy (#73)? David Copperfield (#41) and David Blaine (#98)... they must really be working some magic by manufacturing their own money... Jessica Simpson (#64) ... so now we know why Nick Lachey really married her... Even Ashlee Simpson made it to the list (#76), famous for poor lipsynching and wearing hideous clothing... Ken Jennings (#94)? Are they talking about the guy from Utah that kept winning at Jeopardy? How is he on the list, and not Alex Trebek? Adam Sandler (#50)? Who knew? And it should be a crime that Dan Brown (#12) was able to make so much money on such a crappy book...

Wednesday Whirl

• Kimora Lee Simmons gets into blogging to market her Baby Phat line; Shar Jackson gets into blogging to further sponge off the Spederline's fame. (via Gawker)
• And speaking of Britney Spears, apparently, she's even nastier than we all thought. (Popwatch)
• 50 Cent is no Ice Cube when it comes to acting; I guess they won't be calling him up to be XXX3. (3am Girls)
• Posh and Becks will do an ad campaign for L'Oreal; hopefully the cosmetics company will be able to help Victoria learn what "posh" is really supposed to look like. (Skynews)
• Billy Corgan changes his mind, yet again, about reuniting the Smashing Pumpkins. (Stereogum, Bestweekever)
• Diane Dimond gets a book deal from stalking Michael Jackson. (Jossip)
• Jay Kay to recreate his hideous headgear for public comsumption. (Hello)
• P. Diddy should really get a Father of the Year award; his kids won't have to give up the caviar and goose liver pate for their snack crackers. (Skynews)
• James Brown states the obvious about modern music.
• PBS to change the meaning of its acronym from "Public Broadcasting System" to "Poor and Broke Station". (TV.com)
• If men could take a birth control pill, there'd be a lot more babies out there than there are now.
• Manners and etiquette are no longer fashionable; we'll have to wait for the next retro movement to pick that trend up again. (SFgate)
• Gwen Stefani is still making her fortunes by ragging on Tony Kanal-- poor guy, talk about wishing that someone could move on... (MTV)

You can find the funniest things on Craigslist

From Craigslist NY: Paris Hilton clones needed for upcoming, one-two day photo shoot in major fashion magazine. Modeling agencies have not been very helpful, so Craig's List is our last hope on this. You must bear resemblance to Ms. Hilton in order to be considered for this gig. We will pay $300 - $500 for the day depending on degree of resemblance. Please send head shot and/or Paris Hilton-resemblance shot, and resume to below address for consideration. Make sure we SEE the resemblance in at least one photo. Deadline for submissions is July 1 (via Gawker) Translation: We are searching for Paris Hilton clones (not actual, scientifically created human clones, just women who look like Paris Hilton) for an upcoming, 1 to 2 day photo shoot. We are hoping to sell the pictures to a major fashion magazine, but we'll consider any offers, including any proffered by porn rags, tabloids, or discount store sales circulars. Modeling agencies have refused to return our calls, and we are on a limited budget, so we had to resort to using Craigslist to get this started. You must bear some sort of resemblance to Ms. Hilton in order to be considered for this gig. We pay $300-$500 for the day, according to degree of resemblance. You don't necessarily have to be blonde or have blue eyes in order to be considered; Ms. Hilton is probably neither, so as long as you bring the appropiate wigs, accessories, and other accoutrements, and you are able to at least vaguely remind the photographers of Paris Hilton, please answer this ad (we are willing to use some Photoshop if we get desperate). Please send head shot and/or Paris Hilton resemblance shot (if you want to include a shot of yourself giving head to your boyfriend/other male, that is fine; this may help us to more easily determine the degree of resemblance to Ms. Hilton). And don't forget to send your resume as well. Please make sure that we SEE the resemblance in at least 1 photo-- you may want to send some nude pics or include some stills from a sex tape (since we've had the privilege of seeing so many sides of Ms. Hilton, we have a large frame of reference to work with). Deadline for submissions is July 1-- so if you don't have a large collection of nude photos, you've still got a few days to get some good snapshots.

Ah, the magic of Photoshop...

Contests like this one are fun (link via Thighs Wide Shut), but I'm counting the days until someone comes up (no pun intended) with an X-rated one featuring Tom Cruise's "facial".

Monday Musings

• Beauty Shop meets Cops. (Blottered)
• Snoop Dog's pet pimp to write an advice column. (AHH)
• CNN seems to have forgotten that Soledad O'Brien came from that fluff-fest that is called the "Today Show". They're just being way too hard on Bill Hemmer; he can't help it if he doesn't have a personality. (Gawker)
• Wall Street Journal dumbs down as Hooters busts out. (Jossip, Adrants)
• Destiny's Child gives up the charade and announces their breakup; Kelly and Michelle are sick of wearing the glad rags provided by Beyonce's mother. (MTV, LAT)
• Cam'Ron, tired of imitating Damon Dash, pulls a P. Diddy: moving from marketing his signature "Sizzurp" ("like syrup... with an 'izzurp'") cognac to start an upscale clothing line. (AHH)
• Jennifer Lopez has forgotten all about "Jenny-from-the-block".
• Scientists have inadvertantly found a way to tell when a woman is faking it, while plastic surgeons are helping women to fake it in a whole new way. (SFgate, TMFTML)
• Sharon Stone subjects us to deja vu (all over again). (Perez Hilton)
• MTV is so stale now that it has to recycle Celebrity Death Match. Hopefully the list of contenders won't be clay replicas of the "Real World/Road Rules" slackers. (TV.com)
• Apparently, Walmart isn't the worst place to shop for music. (Time)

Vacation... or something like that

No blogging until week after next. I'll be busy going through Internet withdrawal as gracefully as I can.

The most odious song out today

Destiny's Child's "Cater 2U" has to be the worst song on the airwaves today (there are a lot of terrible songs out right now, but this one just rankles with me). Beyonce and her overpriced backup singers have apparently gone from being independent women to being subservient suck ups. I thought that "Soldier" was bad... but "Cater 2u" is much worse. "My life would be purposeless without you..." "I'll brush your hair, help you put your do rag on..." "I'll keep myself up, remain the same chick you fell in love with/I'll keep it tight, I'll keep my figure right..." "When you come home late, tap me on the shoulder, I'll roll over..." Why don't they just finish it all up with, "and after you get off the toilet, I'll wipe your ass for you, too"?

The Mystery of Missy Elliott

Missy talks sex-- well, not quite. She leaves the most pressing question unanswered (in effect, "pulling a Latifah"), or rather, leaves us with a vague, but telling response: "Never say never." (Times Online)

Beyonce's "Destiny Fulfilled"

I remember talking to a friend a few days ago about Destiny's Child. I mentioned the fact that, after hearing Michelle Williams, the newest member of the group, singing solo, I wondered, just why she was chosen to sing with Beyonce and Kelly. While Michelle is talented, and has an interesting singing voice, the tone and quality of her voice differs so much from the other two singers, that it creates a striking contrast. Whenever I hear Michelle's solos, I wonder if she is really singing through the rest of the song, because her voice seems to be either eclipsed by the other two, or for lack of a better term, erased from the recording. It's a mystery why this group decided to get back together, after taking a break to do solo projects. After all of the drama and turmoil of their earlier years, Destiny's Child only seemed destined to dissolve permanently. But they are performing together again, and while everything seems to be running smoothly and the group seems to be making progress, whenever I see them, I am immediately reminded of Diana Ross and the Supremes. Beyonce has said that Diana is her idol, and while she seems to lack the diva attitude that Diana was known for, Beyonce, unwittingly (or maybe not), overshadows the other members of the group in a way that cannot be ignored or glossed over. When they are performing together, I look at them and think, "they should just record under Beyonce's name and sing backup for her", but judging by most of the tracks on the latest album, Beyonce's backup singers make a better sound than Destiny's Child (as a whole) could ever hope to accomplish. It's obvious that there was a lot more care and attention invested in Beyonce's solo effort; this latest Destiny's Child album sounds like something that was thrown together by a bunch of blurry-eyed teenagers at a slumber party. I honestly wonder if most of the songs were culled from the childish etchings of someone's pre-teen diary. When I asked my friend, "Why is Michelle even in the group, when her voice doesn't seem to fit?" the answer I received was, "She's not a threat to Beyonce." If this is the case, then why even continue with the farce? Beyonce's solo album was worlds better than anything she ever did with Destiny's Child; why did she even bother to waste time doing anything else with them? Then I remember about all of the legal ramifications, contractual obligations, and other things of that nature. I wonder if the next Destiny's Child albums will be similar to this one: just another hurdle on the path to making Beyonce the era's next soul diva.

Coldplay: Radiohead Retread or R.E.M. Replica?

"... I think what younger bands do now isn't relevant at all. There's no showmanship, there's no entertainment value. It looks like a fan has walked on stage, picked up a guitar and started playing. Whatever happened to the good old days of the true rock star?" Mick Mars of Motley Crue (Independent) While this isn't true of all of today's most popular bands, there does tend to be a stripped down feel to musical performances these days. Instead of crafting some "rock god" persona, a lot of bands have sought to be more humble in the way they present themselves to the public. Just as Mick says, sometimes it does look as if some random group of guys just happened along some instruments and started to jam onstage, in front of the waiting audience. The surprising thing is that the audience doesn't seem to be particular about the lack of glossy production. Lyrics are another thing that has changed since the glam period when bands like Motley Crue ruled the charts and the airwaves. While there are still a lot of garish, over-the-top, wild and raunchy songs released, there seems to be a growing trend toward more sensitive, heartfelt songs, where the artist seems to be telling a personal story, or trying to convey some personal beliefs to the larger world. Coldplay, of course, the most-hyped band of the moment, is paving the way for the new rock band prototype: the emo rock god. Chris Martin is the man of the hour: thoughtful, sensitive, a deep thinker. It's impossible to imagine him singing about the same things as Vince Neil would sing about; but surprisingly, while Motley Crue is recycling the 1980s by continuing to play their old hits, Coldplay is recreating a part of the 80s ethos with their angst-ridden sound and emotional lyrics. While several critics have labeled Coldplay a "Radiohead replica", or a "latter day U2", I think that they might more appropriately be compared to R.E.M. Chris Martin's lyrical style, and the band's message and presence are very reminiscent of Michael Stipe and his band. At one point, R.E.M. was even touted as having the potential to be the "most popular band". Is Coldplay really following the trend that R.E.M. established in the late 1980s? And how many clone acts will develop in Coldplay's wake?

Sexism is brought to you today by...

Robert Weintraub, of Slate: Auto racing is not even remotely interesting to me, but I find it amazing how quickly Danica Patrick is being picked apart: Patrick is so marketable—she's pretty, well-spoken, and American—it's a wonder she wasn't created in a lab. The funny thing is that instead of sounding like a carefully researched point for point analysis of Patrick's racing style, statistics, the conditions at the race, etc., it all comes across as nothing more than a jealous rant. If we're searching for an analogy for Patrick's achievement, imagine if Annika Sorenstam placed fourth in a PGA Tour event after the top golfers broke away to form their own tour. Instead of besting Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, let's say that Sorenstam knocked off Ty Tryon and Billy Andrade. A milestone in women's sports? Sure. A feat that's slightly tempered by the diluted level of competition? Most definitely. This is not a fair comparison. Annika Sorenstam is considered a top golfer, by most standards. She's not a "rookie" by any means. Danica Patrick is a beginner. Comparing the two is like comparing night and day. Danica Patrick is young, and of course, not as experienced as most of the drivers that she competed against. She has stated herself that she was felt honored to be there, and was nervous about racing against such seasoned competitors. But now that she has accomplished something, and made history, of course there are people who are going to try to tear it all down. If you're going to discredit someone, come up with some believable reasons. Would the same thing be said if Danica was "Daniel"? "He only came in fourth because all the really good drivers refuse to participate in that race anymore"... what a weak argument. Patrick competes in a racing series that has been watered down to the point of irrelevance. While beating men in such a macho domain is laudable, it should be noted somewhere—OK, here—that her accomplishment represents less of a cultural shift than a reflection of the sad state of affairs at Indy. Weintraub is even willing to tear down the whole Indy 500 race, in order to discredit the achievement that Patrick has made. Even if Indy is a "second" rate racing competition, Danica Patrick still came in 4th place, and consistently topped the speed of all but 3 of the other drivers. Why is he trying to compare her to some NASCAR driver? When/if she races at NASCAR, then that would be a valid/appropriate argument. He even states that two races are significantly different from one another. Again, he is comparing apples to oranges. In the glory days of Indy car racing, it would have been inconceivable for an inexperienced rookie like Patrick to sign on with a top team like Rahal-Letterman. It would be like an elite NASCAR team sending a go-kart driver to Daytona. I would consider it an even greater feat, then, if a "go-kart" driver could compete with experienced racers and still edge out all but 3 competitors. It's a shame that Weintraub has to use a load of crap to bolster his argument; it would be more meaningful it if had even a little bit of substance to it.

Friday Flurry

• The Internet: just like high school, all over again. (NYT)
• Ice Cube boasts pridefully about "Are We There Yet", while Nia Long hangs her head in shame in the midst of production of her next work of cinematic excellence.
• And we all thought that Winona Ryder was mousy; she may be more like a certain Girl, Interrupted character than we thought. (Egotastic)
• They should just name Bobby Brown's reality show "Cops: The Bobby Brown Edition". (Crossfader, Perez Hilton)
• Somehow, I knew that Sara Gilbert was a lesbian even back when she was on Rosanne; she played the tomboy a little too convincingly.
• Hollywood, like the rest of us, is getting tired of having to go through Tom Cruise's midlife crisis with him. (Movie Blog)
• Someone is bound to come up with a new lit franchise after this. (Guardian UK)
• Li'l John stands as a shining example to the untalented. (Billboard)
• As I suspected, Dave Chappelle's "disappearance" was orchestrated strictly for business reasons (to create fresh material for his monologue, to boost DVD sales, etc.). You know that Dave's thinking, "I had you bitches on the edge of your seats!" (Defamer)
• The Game is getting to be a little played out.
• Snorefest 101: the fusion of Biology and Literature. (LAT)
• Chris Martin is just too damned nice.
• Tommy Hilfiger, tired of copying Calvin Klein, attempts to copy Donald Trump instead. (WaPo)
• Nick Lachey still tries his best to fill Justin Timberlake's shoes. (Perez Hilton)
• Now, hopefully Rob and Amber will go away, and not come back. (TV.com)
• Snoop Dogg must be a lawyer's wildest dream. (Corsair, Crossfader)
• Something else for the tasteless but funny file; maybe it could be a way for TomKat to "validate" their relationship. (My Blog is Poop)
• The Internet is useful for all types of crimes; burglars can engage in "online joint casing". (SFgate)
• The mainstreaming of bling: now you can be blinged-out from top to bottom. (WaPo)

Prelude to a porn career

It might just be her only true talent; writing definitely isn't (Link via Bookslut): Cutler indicated that her own lifestyle hasn't changed much since her sexcapades were outed by the web, although money -- which was tight in Washington -- is no longer a problem. "I still date around and stuff," she said. "I guess you can buy more drugs and whatnot." Then there are those accusations of prostitution that continue to dog her. Cutler is unremorseful. To date, she sees the money she took for sex as a mutually beneficial transaction. "As far as people thinking I'm a prostitute," Cutler said, "I never said you have to give me money if I'm going to do this for you. I would maybe suggest that I needed money. I would be like, 'Oh, I can't pay my rent,' and they would offer to do it." Her current dating life, she said, is different: "I say, 'Just google my name, and let me know how you feel about it.'" Today, many of the men she meets, she said, are fascinated by her back story. "Most guys are intrigued by it. I think it's sort of a turn-on." (Wired News)