Basking in the Oscar afterglow... or is it aftermath?

It's finally over... now the news media can get back to covering the important stuff, things that have real bearing on our lives, like the Michael Jackson trial... Of course, the day after the Oscars is always a snarkfest; the odd thing is just how these people manage to hold it all in until the show actually airs... maybe it's an adverse reaction to all of the ass-kissing that takes place leading up to the ceremony... who knows? Here are two opposing points of view on Chris Rock's performance... but, ironically, both articles predict that this will be Chris's one and only stint at hosting the Oscars: "Rock Smashes Through Broadcast's Self-importance; Rock in a Hard Place if He Wants to Stay" (from sfgate.com) "Rock, Well . . . Didn't" (from Washington Post) And an interesting, but all too true reflection on the hype machine that the media has created regarding the Academy Awards. Ever notice how even the competing networks talk of almost nothing else in the weeks preceding the ceremony, and how they recap every single moment, as the show unfolds? It's like instant replay in an NFL game: There was a time when Oscar night was a little like Neil Armstrong's landing on the moon: viewers stayed up late and endured long stretches of boredom to witness a unique moment that could only be seen live. Nowadays, the problem with the Academy Awards ceremony is that, if you don't watch it, you won't miss it - highlights and low moments are shown over and over on almost every channel at any hour. The five-second delay refers not only to network self-censorship. Five seconds is also the longest most viewers have to wait before the evening is replayed in a handy short form. The Oscars are also previewed endlessly. Even rival networks cannot resist encouraging viewer interest days ahead of time, be it a CBS "60 Minutes" interview with Mr. Rock or, as in a Sunday afternoon sports event on NBC, an Oscar tribute on ice - Olympic champions in little black cocktail skating dresses twirling to the tune of "Hurray for Hollywood." Even news shows get caught up in the promotional fuss. On Chris Matthews's syndicated Sunday talk show, the journalist Bob Woodward predicted that "The Aviator" would lose, stating irrefutably that "Howard Hughes is no Rocky." "If You Didn't Watch It, You'll Still Get to See It" (from NYT) I was confused, up until a few minutes before the show was supposed to start, about which network it was actually going to air on, because everybody was covering the show... I mean, there was an Oscar Pre-Show... and a Pre-show to the Pre-Show... and there was a show that was apparently devoted to interviewing and showcasing all of the random people that were hanging around on the red carpet. I accidentally tuned to one of these for a few minutes, before realizing that the cameras were focusing on the security people... then I turned to some show where the off-brand reporters made D-List celebrities look like world class superstars... And how can I not mention the numerous outlets for chronicling red carpet catastrophes? "Comfortably Numb" The UK Guardian's Hadley Freeman snarks the coutour (or lack, thereof) of the evening, including a photo gallery, as well. And finally, Heather and Jessica at Go Fug Yourself have provided a photo retrospective of the red carpet procession.

Blogging the Oscars

The Beginning: Typical narrated montage of different films through the decades... but wait... it's set to Eminem's "Move Yourself"... and it has the feel of an Imax show... Chris takes the stage: Gasp! What?! Chris has taken the stage... and the world is still turning! Chris feels his way through the first few jokes, but then he's on a roll, literally skewering quite a few people. Cuba Gooding, and Jude Law are some memorable examples... everybody will be talking about this part of the monologue tomorrow... Halle Berry presents Best Art Direction: Halle's look has been rather blah of late... that weave is just not doing anything for her; instead of looking spectacular and breath-taking, she just looks like a Barbie doll... All the nominees are grouped together on stage (talk about pressure!)... The Aviator wins, but what happened to the losers? Did they walk away, or do they have to stand there and suffer as the winners give their acceptance speech? Oh... I guess they slunk off sullen and dejected... Rene Zellwegger presents Best Supporting Actor: She's way too skinny... maybe she needs to make the film version of Bridget Jones's Guide to Life, since trilogies always seem to be so much more satisfying than just a movie with one sequel; that way, she can gain enough weight to look human again... the red dress she's wearing is just atrocious, it makes her look like a lobster, because the top of her body is larger than the bottom (what happened to her hips??)... Martin Scorsese, for some reason, is laughing behind Alan Alda's back... I'm not sure if all of this audience exposure is such a good thing... Morgan Freeman wins (somehow, at the very last minute, I knew that he would)... He looks very nice, and his acceptance speech is very nice, and short... Robin Williams presents Best Animated Picture Award: He comes out with his mouth obstructed by something, don't know if it's tape, or the envelope... somebody had a great idea there, too bad he couldn't leave it in... he's got on a weird red shirt with a zoot suit type of outfit, it really makes him look like a cartoon character; I guess they picked him to present this award for a reason... He starts in with a few clever impressions, and thank goodness he hasn't fallen into rambling... The Incredibles wins... as the winner gives the acceptance speech, Robin's got his arm around Statuette Handler Barbie, copping a feel, or at least it looks like that's what he's doing... Cate Blanchett presents Best Makeup Award: Her dress is the same color as her hair... she's presenting the award in the audience (which they warned that they would do), but really, how did they work that out? Did they make all the nominees sit together? I've always wondered why Cate has an English accent, when she's an Aussie (actually, there are a lot of Aussie actors that speak with an American accent... still trying to figure that one out, too)... A Series of Unfortunate Events wins... Drew Barrymore presents performance of first Original Song Nominee: Drew, unfortunately, looks really vampirish in a black dress and too much dark eye makeup... Beyonce is singing, in French... hm... not too shabby... actually better than JLo singing Spanish at the Grammys (I guess she needed to spend more time taking lessons from Marc to perfect that illusion of fluency)... Beyonce's dress here is not as elegant or pretty as the black gown she wore to the ceremony... the pattern looks like somebody puked Mexican food all over her... First Noticeable snafu of the evening: A stage hand dressed in a tux scrambles off the stage in a slapsticky manner as the cameras pan down to Chris... Video clip of Chris interviewing people on the street: Chris goes to a Magic Johnson Theater and asks the patrons what their favorite movies are. Not surprisingly, none of the Oscar nominated films are mentioned... these people have never even heard of any of the Oscar nomimees that Chris rattles off... the list of faves of his interviewees include: Soul Plane, Alien vs. Predator, White Girls, and other works of cinematic excellence that went unrecognized by the Academy... Chris lets some people hold a real Oscar statuette and allows them to pretend to be Oscar winners and give acceptance speeches... funniest part of the show so far... Scarlett Johansson presents Sci Tech Award: She's lovely, in an elegant black gown... she's got some interesting experimental curlyfrizzy hair weave, but it works... Pierce Brosnan presents Costume Design Award: Eww, he's got walking pneumonia or something, his voice is all croaky... why didn't they get a replacement for him? Edna Mole from The Incredibles presents with him... at this point, her voice is better than his... Please, make Pierce stop talking; it hurts my throat just listening to him... The Aviator wins... the winner is apparently wearing one of the rejects from the film, a hunter green Katharine Hepburn type of dress... Tim Robbins presents Best Supporting Actress Award: Apparently, nobody told Tim that he should shower and shave before he put his tux on. Either that, or he had a late night that stretched into the after noon, and didn't wake up until 20 minutes before the show... He was on Bill Maher's show on Friday, and it looks like he hasn't groomed himself since then... Cate Blanchett wins... and I thought for sure that they would give it to Natalie Portman, even though I wanted Sophie Okenedo to win... Something tells me that Cate only won because she played Katharine Hepburn, who was a 2-time Oscar winner herself... Tribute to Johnny Carson: Yawn... thankfully it's not 10 minutes long, and they actually picked out some funny clips for the retrospective... Leo Di Caprio presents Best Documentary Award: Ugh... Leo's voice is so annoying... his voice makes me imagine what Paul Hamm would sound like if he were on steroids... looks like he didn't get enough sleep, either... the nominees do the cattle-call-on-stage thing again... two of the female nominees that are standing next to each other have on clashing dresses... looks like they both tried to get that "statuette" look... Born into Brothels wins... Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom present best Film Editing Award: Kirsten, reigning queen of Fugliness, and Orlando "People-think-I'm-so-hot-because-I-was-the-best-looking-thing-in-Lord-of-the-Rings" Bloom walk up together... he's got too much gel, axle grease, or whatever that is that has congealed in his hair... she's dressed like an old woman who's on her way to a funeral, complete with the smeared look of her eye makeup... Orlando's shirt is extremely wrinkled, as if the wrinkles were purposely starched in... The Aviator wins... Another Original Song Performance: Jason Bateman comes out to present the performers... he must have started drinking, because his show is about to be cancelled, he looks really bloated... No! It's Mike Meyers! Is that hair weave? He still looks like a bloated Jason Bateman, with a really bad fake and bake tan... Eww... Counting Crows is going to perform... Adam Duritz is just as annoying as he was 10 years ago... why is this band still around?? And these guys have definitely got the JC Penney look going on... one of the guitar players is rocking some sort of "laundry basket-chic" look... the song sucks as much as the band does... Adam Sandler and Catherine Zeta-Jones present Adapted Screenplay Award: Adam and CZJ... 2 of the most annoying people in Hollywood... wait, a snafu is in progress... CZJ is a no show... major moment of awkwardness... Chris runs out to help... they read the teleprompter, with Chris playing CZJ reading one of the cheesiest jokes ever, with the stiffest delivery ever... This, coming from 2 professional comedians, might unintentionally be the funniest moment of the show... Chris finally gives up, he can't take it anymore, he leaves the stage, letting Adam carry this disaster through to the end... Sideways wins the award... one of the winners says, "I want to share my side of this award with the cast and crew." This makes me wonder just how he's going to accomplish that... Maybe he's gonna take the statuette and cut it in half, and then melt down his half so that he can pass little nuggets out to all of the said cast and crew... Jake Guh-blah-di-blah-hall and The Girl from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (and that martial arts film that came out last year) present Best Visual Effects Award: This girl is normally gorgeous, but they made her look like, 30 years older than she actually is... she looks matronly, and her dress looks freakish, with a cascade of feather-like fluff that runs down from her hips, with a nylon, stocking type of black lace bodice... Jake's got an unfortunate buzz cut, makes him look blah-di-blah (like his name, so long that you get bored in the middle of saying it)... Spiderman 2 wins... the visual effects were the only good thing about that putrid movie... Frank Pearson (or is it Pierson?), President of the Academy, comes out: Frank is supposed to be presenting Al Pacino, who is going to present someone else... but he starts out by giving a speech on supporting the troops... yawn... what does this have to do with the Oscars? He should have supported the troops by voting against Bush... but I guess there always has to be one of those WTF moments during every Oscar ceremony... Al Pacino: He must have just come from the slumber party at Tim Robbins' house... he woke up late and accidentally put on the wrong suit, because this one doesn't fit him anywhere... Tribute to Sidney Lumet... blah, blah... film montage... (Random Thought: Would River Phoenix be where Johnny Depp is today, if he were still living?)... camera keeps panning to Sidney's family in the balcony, focusing on one of his daughters (I hope), who has the rack that Janice Dickinson wanted, but probably couldn't afford... Another Original Song Performance: Chick from Phantom of the Opera presents this performance (missed her name)... Beyonce again... How much is she getting paid for this gig? Her look is going on the downgrade as the evening progresses... she's got a chandelier around her neck; she should be pretty bruised after she takes it off, the thing must weigh a couple of pounds... her dress looks like a black bed skirt with a bathing suit attached to the top... they apparently put shoe polish on her lids to effect an "operatic feel", I guess... Jay-Z and Beyonce's dad are sitting together... in the same row, shoulder to shoulder! And they say that miracles don't happen... Jeremy Irons presents Live-Action Short Award: Jeremy is in the crowd, looking like a live-action cadaver... sort of like Keith Richards... as he recites his speech, a loud bang sounds off somewhere in the distance... He drolly breaks his speech and says, "I hope they missed..." then promptly resumes his deadpan delivery of the presentation... the cameras are in the audience, one of the nominees is caught sleeping... he wakes up, and pretends (unconvincingly) that he was praying... Wasp wins... Laura Linney presents Best Animated Short Award: Laura, like Jeremy, is standing in the audience... her dress is sorta pretty, in a shredded shower curtain kind of way... it looks like cloth napkins stitched together... her hair is really stiff, though... maybe she and Orlando Bloom had the same stylist... Ryan wins... Kate Winslet presents Cinematography Award: Kate's dress is pretty, but it looks a size too small... What happened to her boobs? The Aviator wins... who knew that Michael McDonald was a cinematographer as well as a singer? He must be pretty energetic, promoting his Motown Rehashed album while filming The Aviator at the same time... Weird interlude: Chris mentions something about the Oscars and the need for accountants... two gigantic, muscle bound black guys that look vaguely Nation of Islam-esque step out with briefcases... Duck Face and Salma Hayek present... something: Duck Face, oops, I mean, Penelope Cruz... she looks like she was supposed to be swan-like, but she couldn't make it past "duck" status... and Salma Hayek come out together... Spain vs. Mexico... I guess someone thought that this would be clever, not realizing that the average American can't tell these two women apart... I mean really, how many people can actually tell which one is talking as they present the awards, as they show the film clips? Oh, they're presenting Best Sound Mixing... Duck face has a duck tail, too, in the form of a big bow on the butt of her duck-yellow dress... another example of shower curtain chic... Salma apparently changed her mind about her hair at the last minute, or she styled it herself, without the help of a mirror... her dress is hella sexy, though... Another Original Song Performance: Some Spanish ditty from The Motorcycle Diaries... Antonio Banderas can sing?? Carlos Santana, cool, as always... why does Antonio look so greasy? He looks like the valet, or a busboy... this song sucks... kinda like that song that Carlos did with Michelle Branch... like Burt Bacharach meets acid rock... Antonio's look is really bad, like he had a mishap with a bottle of mineral oil on the way to the show (maybe one fell on his head somehow), and he didn't have time to wash his hair... and as baggy as the shirt is, you can still see that he's got sweaty armpits... Natalie Portman presents Best Documentary Award: Natalie's dressed like a Greek something or other... reminds me of the cheesy video of Antigone that I had to sit through in English Lit in high school... Mighty Times: The Children's March wins... Interlude: Chris voices his laments about the nominee-cattle-call idea... he says that next year, they'll give them out in the parking lot... John Travolta presents Best Original Score Award: Thank goodness John decided to grow his hair out again... he doesn't look so Ben Affleckly-Bloated anymore... best to leave the 1996 George Clooney haircut to George Clooney, and preferably in his photos from 1996... Finding Neverland wins... John lets Statuette Handler Barbie prop him up as he sleeps through the acceptance speech... Martin Scorsese presents the Humanitarian Award: Is Martin like 4 feet tall? His glasses are so big that I can see myself in them through the tv screen... Tribute montage... blah, blah, blah... Roger Mayer wins award... Tribute to those who passed away: Annette Bening steps out... I know that tons of people must have lost money betting that she and Warren would never last this long... in any case, she has not aged well... her black dress gives her a fresh lobster look, as opposed to Rene Zellwegger's boiled lobster appearance... Yo Yo Ma performs through the video montage... Yet another Original Song performance... yawn: P. Diddy's acting like he's all nervous... I guess he's too far outside of his ghetto comfort zone... What is it with the velvet suits this year? I never would have thought that P. Diddy would be caught dead in anything that John Mayer would wear (John sported velvet to the Grammys)... smoking jacket chic... Beyonce, again... and... JOSH GROBAN... WTF??? Beyonce is rocking a mermaid dress... I keep expecting to see her swim away from Josh any minute now... Josh is so new-millenium-Yawnni that it's almost putting me to sleep... but I keep watching to see if there is a fin on the back of Beyonce's dress... Prince presents (finally) Best Original song: Now... with all of the money that Prince makes... can't he find a better hairstylist? He looks like he hooked up with Al Sharpton's hairdresser... he needs to get Johnny Mathis's number, or something... Best Original Song is the Spanish Ditty from Motorcycle Diaries... what's with Prince's outfit? Lavendar sailor pants??? Winner decides to sing his acceptance speech... Muchas gracias for making it short and sweet, Dude! Sean Penn presents Best Actress Award: Sean takes a moment to suck up to Jude Law, who earlier got dissed royally by Chris Rock... Sean's sporting a mullet-esque haircut... dangerously close to 80s trailer fabulousness... Hilary Swank wins... and I thought they were gonna try to punish her for all of the bad movies she's made since Boys Don't Cry, but maybe they took pity on her, because she has to support Chad Lowe as well as herself... voice-over gives us this inane factoid, "She is the first actress in Academy history to win for playing a boxer"... WTF?? I guess I should take note of that, if I should every get a spot on Jeopardy one day... Hilary's dress is, in a word, horrible... looks like she picked it out of a Roman's catalog (my grandmother wore clothes from this place... polyester/elastic waistband heaven)... is she wearing Cobbie Cuddlers underneath? I guess Kirsten Dunst really has started a new "geriatric chic" trend... Hilary pulls a "Halle Berry" when the music starts up by saying, "Wait! You can't do that yet... I haven't mentioned Clint yet..." Best Foreign Language Film: Gwyneth Paltrow... surprise, surprise! I thought she'd never set foot in the states again... at least not in LA... Best Foreign Language Film... The Sea Inside wins... does every Spanish film take place in or around a hospital, or is it just every other Spanish film? Really, I don't know why there was any mystery about this one, because Spain wins this every year... Best Original Screenplay: Samuel L. Jackson steps out... is that even a suit? Not that he looks bad... but I can't figure out what he's wearing... Eternal Dodginess of the Barmy Brain wins... Charlie Kaufman gets stuck staring at the clock, and wastes time verbally counting down his precious seconds... 30 seconds is all they get?? Why does it feel like 30 minutes? Best Actor: Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis look weirder every year... does he take the gold caps out when he's working on a film, or do they just paint over them? Charlise Theron presents the award... more shredded shower curtain chic... powder blue, this time... Jamie wins... sigh... we'll never hear the end of it now... we're now witnessing the beginning of the JLo-ification of Jamie Foxx (can you say, "over exposed"?)... urgghh... he repeats his quaint little Golden Globe call and response routine... yawn... is that Heidi Klum sitting next to Oprah? Who's that woman sitting next to Halle Berry, is that her sister? Jamie mimics Sidney Poitier in tribute... his speech is actually kind of touching, especially when he mentions his grandmother... if only the rest of next year with Jamie could be like this... sigh... Best Director: Julia Roberts... I thought she went, like, underground, after having the twins... she looks great, by the way... There are obviously some fringe benefits to having kids, at least for some people... Clint Eastwood wins... sigh... this was the real toss up of the evening... since they gave the Best Actor award to Jamie Foxx, you had to know that they'd give Best Director to Clint... Best Picture: Dustin Hoffman and Babs... her dress isn't too bad, but she's starting to look like a blonde Liza Minelli... they fight over the envelope, Babs snatches it, but then remembers that she forgot to bring her glasses... Million Dollar Baby wins... who's the chain smoking gangster up there with Clint and the stockbroker looking guy? The Ending: Chris ends the show by giving a big shout out to "Brooklyn, Yo!" putting his stamp on the broadcast... thankfully it only ran over by 11 minutes. Even though the show wasn't that bad, I don't think I could have sat through another hour...

"Six Figures? Not Enough!"

That's right... it's not enough, not when an 800 sqare foot apartment condo costs upwards of $450,000... and 2 bedroom starter homes go for $700,000... I wonder how much this house would go for?

Interview with Chris Rock

The LA Times talks to Chris Rock about the Oscars in general, tonight's ceremony in particular, and what he thinks the gig will mean for his career. I love Chris's pragmatic frame of mind about it all, especially regarding all of the hype about the impact that hosting the Oscars will have on his longevity as a top comedian, and the pressure (we assume) of being surrounding by so many high profile stars: The high celebrity quotient of the audience does not intimidate him, Rock says, because celebrities are beside the point. "The other people may be doing the Oscars, but I am doing a television show. A television show," he says. "So I will be working for the cameras. I won't be doing any of those insider jokes—you know, jokes about Michael Ovitz and Michael Eisner. Kills in the room, but half an hour out of Los Angeles people are looking at each other going, 'Who the hell is that?' No William Morris Agency jokes either. Kills in the room, but no one else is laughing. And no Jack Nicholson jokes—I mean, unless Jack calls and wants me to do one. Because I am still hoping to get to a game. With Jack." He also explains that while everyone else will be "caught up in the glamour" and fun of it all, he will be working from minute to minute to make sure that everything is running smoothly: At this moment, Rock is trying to solve the Great Hollywood Paradox: Is it possible to have meaningful contact with the entertainment industry yet not be artistically consumed? Comedians often are granted special immunity—they can say things no other entertainers would dare utter because it's part of their job. But the downside of that freedom is that comedians are expected to sing for their suppers more often than other performers, which can be tough on the pride. So it's difficult for him to get caught up in the glamour of an event that for him is a job. A very high-pressure, high-profile job. "I'm the only one who'll be working the whole time," he says. "Me and the sound and light guys." And it's physically demanding work, with no breaks. When he's not onstage, he'll be watching the show on a monitor and consulting with his writers to come up with the right joke for the right moment. When reminded that at 3½ hours, last year's ceremony was one of the shortest in recent memory, Rock does a double take. "I am going to have to start working out," he says. "Rock, On" (LA Times Magazine)

The death of the gossip column (at least the print one)

The NYT gives Defamer a huge plug, basically labeling the blog the chief source of LA/Hollywood gossip. Which is pretty much the truth. From "Gossip, It Seems, is Now Unprintable" : Among journalists here and elsewhere, many lay the blame for the lack of a good printed gossip column on The Los Angeles Times and what people like the Slate columnist Mickey Kaus call its patrician approach to news. Blaming the only game in town is easy. Still it can't be ignored that printed gossip died in Los Angeles when The Times's main competitor, The Los Angeles Herald Examiner, closed 16 years ago. The same year Marylouise Oates, who wrote a society column for The Times, left the paper, which but for a short-lived effort in 2001 has never returned to the gossip beat... That is where Defamer and its postings step in. At once wide-eyed and curmudgeonly, it seems to invite lawsuits by its very name. Its editor, Mark Lisanti, is a former production assistant on sitcoms who said he has never worked in a newsroom. He has marshaled a small army of disgruntled assistants and hangers-on, like the one who described Mr. Ratner's anatomy after the screening at the Creative Artists Agency, to find items that are too lewd or offbeat for the major magazines. He handles boilerplate stories with a droll flair. The chief difference between the old school gossip columnist, and today's gossip blogs and other media outlets, appears to be the fact that today's reporters are not a part of the Hollywood machine. And obviously, if you don't feel beholden to the system, it's easier to say and report things more freely. Part of what may appeal to Angelenos about Defamer, which is published by Gawker Media, is its flippant tone. True, the site has a puerile fascination with Lindsay Lohan's chest, and Mr. Lisanti, 30, a native of Yonkers, rarely leaves his apartment during the day to report. But he at least appears free of industry ambitions or conflicts, and he does not dumb down his references. Which is why so many of us do think The Defamer is best at dishing the dirt.

The best of the worst and the worst of the best

This year's "Razzies" were awarded last night (as reported by Reuters), and I'm sure that no one was surprised to see Catwoman win for Worst Picture. The actual surprise was the fact that Halle Berry attended the ceremony and graciously stepped up to accept her award. Berry was named worst actress of 2004 by the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation for her performance in "Catwoman" and she showed up to accept her "Razzie" carrying the Oscar she won in 2002 for "Monster's Ball." "They can't take this away from me, it's got my name on it!" she quipped. A raucous crowd cheered her on as she gave a stirring recreation of her Academy Award acceptance speech, including tears. She thanked everyone involved in "Catwoman," a film she said took her from the top of her profession to the bottom. "I want to thank Warner Brothers for casting me in this piece of shit," she said as she dragged her agent on stage and warned him "next time read the script first." It is rare for a Razzie winner to show up at the spoof awards held on the night before Oscars -- but Berry did, saying her mother taught her that to be "a good winner you had to be a good loser first." She received a standing ovation. On the opposite end of the spectrum, sort of, the London Times has the top ten "Worst Best Pictures", with such entries as Forrest Gump, Rocky, and A Beautiful Mind.

Invasion of the "sapphosexuals"

Now that Sex and the City has finally moved to the suburbs of basic cable syndicationland, we get to witness the battle between two shows that want to fill the void that the "Femme Fab 4" have left us with. Desperate Housewives and The L Word seem to be vying for the "next Sex and the City" spot, and, surprisingly, both have become extremely popular in a relatively short time. The NY Observer has an article about the newfound popularity of the Showtime series, and it describes how a large portion of the show's fan base happens to be straight women: "But aside from the entertainment factor, why do many straight women find The L Word so captivating? The show offers a safe, couch-bound entrée into a hitherto alien lifestyle which is only tapped into every so often: Madonna and Britney’s clumsily staged kiss, Mischa Barton’s cutesy girl crush on The O.C., Sex and the City’s Cynthia Nixon coming out in real life as being in a lesbian relationship. Showtime’s dedication to a long-running, exclusively lesbian drama offers a prime-time pop-culture podium for Lesbian Chic. Thanks to The L Word, being a gay woman isn’t all that bad; in fact, according to the subtext of the show, it’s a sign that you’re an empowered, self-identified woman in a woman’s world. As one fan declared, 'I’m such a faux lesbian.'" "Faux lesbian"? That just sounds tacky... the article is filled with more "gems" such as this one, leading me to wonder, where they found these boneheaded women that were interviewed in the piece: "I’m obsessed with it,' said Elizabeth, a 24-year-old woman who works in fashion. "There’s nothing on TV that comes close to beating the sex on The L Word. The actors obviously fake their chemistry really, really well, and you sort of envy them for having such naturally randy relationships. I watched it with a boyfriend, but he thought it was cheesy." Uh... why would you watch a lesbian-themed drama with your boyfriend? Wouldn't you assume that he'd find it boring? I mean, The L Word might have racy sex scenes, but it's far from what you would call porn. But, she added, "I wouldn’t just dally with the other side. All my lesbian friends tell me, there’s nothing worse than the straight girl who thinks that she might like girls." Yes, exactly... it's just like when a guy who you have no interest in thinks that you like him. "These relationships are new to us; seeing gay sex is a new thing," said Heather, a 29-year-old magazine editor from Brooklyn who became addicted to the show last season. "They’re powerful and intellectual and beautiful women. Whether they’re gay or straight, any show that has women like that is just awesome …. I had a sort of interest in the show because I am, in some way—though I’m a totally straight person—I definitely find women more attractive than men anyway. From the time I was 13, watching a Sprite commercial. "There are probably a lot of women walking the streets that are like me," Heather continued. "Had relationships with men, but have always been sort of curious about women. There are also a lot of straight women who probably wonder—not just on a sex level, but on a real level of intimacy—about how they have these amazing relationships with our girlfriends: How amazing would it be if it extended to every level of our love lives?" "A lot of women walking the streets that are like me"... Does she mean there are lot of annoying, confused, unoriginal wannabes plaguing the cities? I remember when Sex and the City was all the rage, you couldn't walk down a city block without counting at least three or four Carrie Bradshaw/Sarah Jessica Parker clones. I suppose now we'll be bombarded with "faux lesbians" and "sapphosexuals". Some in the lesbian community are noticing the trend already: New York’s own lesbian scene, as tangled as Showtime’s portrayal, has had its fair share of straight interlopers. According to Karen Gilliam, a bartender who has worked at the mixed gay bar Starlight for five years, more unfamiliar faces—sometimes accompanied by a boyfriend or husband—have started walking through the door. "I think The L Word has given women a lot more confidence to check out the scene," she said. "I can tell by someone’s body language that they’re new. When women are there with a man, it’s obvious they’re both looking for a woman to share." (She added that the bar’s door policy has become stricter over the years to keep out lechy guys.) Immediately after Sunday night’s season premiere, there was a line—mostly women—to get in. Inside Starlight, it seemed as if the women were channeling their inner Shane. Whether The L Word will create a new strain of Shane or Jenny wannabes is hard to say. "I do feel like an outsider peeking in on that community, and it’s interesting in that way," said Ms. Joy. "I was surprised at how linked the community seemed." New annoying trend alert: Queer slumming, "faux lesbian chic", and the rise of the "Sapphosexual".

Have we become immune to the hype, or was there really no hype to begin with?

Sigh. There is still concern, even at the eleventh hour, that this year's Oscar ceremony is not receiving enough buzz. I guess Jamie Foxx's one-man hypefest hasn't been effective enough, and the impending doom of "Rockgate" still has not lent the upcoming gala enough cachet. Even the attempt to scrounge for controversy in the subject matter of some of the nominated films hasn't been able to stir up more interest. It's funny that instead of covering the upcoming Oscar gala, the media has been covering the lack of coverage for the Oscars (I'm scratching my head over this one). So, the top news stories in the soundbite loop have been things that would normally be labeled as tabloid fodder. Instead of biting our nails over which film will win Best Picture, we're faced with the question of "What will happen to Michael?", or "How many people did Jose rat on?" , or "Is Marcia really not a lesbian, or this really a desperate attempt at publicity?" I guess that Monday morning, we'll hear more stories about how many people didn't watch the Oscars because they were protesting the preemption of Desperate Housewives, than stories about the winners, the losers, the flubs and funny bits, the best and worst dressed, or any of the other normal post-Oscar afterglow stories.

A name change might be in order

B2K (the hip hop group), if they're still together, might want to rethink their name, because lately, I've been confusing them with this guy from Kansas. And now that I think of it, wasn't that the name of a Burger King cheeseburger once upon a time?

Sexual harassment on a whole new level

I guess I've heard it all, now. Several women, as reported in SFgate, are accusing there employer of forcing them to expose themselves to Koko, the gorilla... hm... I've got a lot of "Why?" questions about this one, but something tells me that I don't really want them to be answered.

Danger: Oscar Night is approaching... are you sure you want to watch?

I don't understand why there is so much fuss about Chris Rock hosting the Oscars this year. I'm starting to think that it's all just a publicity stunt. Get Drudge to work his hyperbolic magic, and watch the allegations and ridiculous predictions pile up. It all seems like a ploy to get more people to tune in (more than the pitiful number that apparently had nothing better to do than to watch the Grammys). Some people seem to think that Chris Rock = salacious jokes + countless expletives; obviously these people who keep saying that "Chris Rock is dangerous" have forgotten the period when Whoopi Goldberg hosted the Oscars. 5 second delay notwithstanding, Whoopi managed to raunch it up, even after the censors finished their frantic bleepfests. Really, in my memory, the last few outrageous moments at the Oscars all came from the presenters or the winners themselves, not from the host. A great irony stands in the midst of this tide of censorship; people are so busy giving warnings about what might happen that everyone comes to expect the worst. And when you finally get to see the show, it's usually the same boring humdrum affair that it always is. Don't most people tune in, as Chris said, just to see what everyone is wearing, and to see which movie will win "Best Picture" (if the lack of a grand, sweeping epic helps to create enough mystery to keep us awake until the last hour of the broadcast)? So, if the purpose of all of this hoopla is to protect us from obscenity, then why keep bringing it up? Nine times out of ten, whenever something is ballyhooed as being outrageously profane, or if something is banned, then people will tune in or turn out in droves to see it/buy it/read it, whatever. You'd think that this would be obvious; if you don't want people to pay attention to something, don't bring it up every 5 minutes. And speaking of banned materials and media... I don't get this one at all: "Worst TV Clips of the Week" (link via Cursor.org) If you think that some part of some TV show is so bad, why would you post clips of it to be seen over and over by more people? If it was so bad, wouldn't you just say, "Don't watch this show, because it displays some things that are offensive/not suitable for children"? And while I can see that this website is obviously meant to protect children, there is always that one kid who's smart enough to get into whatever you don't want him to get into (I was one of those kids), and the very thing that you don't want him to see, by putting it up in a forum like this, is all laid out for him. Maybe there is some logic behind it all that I'm missing. I guess there are some things that I will never understand.

She's come a long way, baby

If you'd asked me 10 years ago where I thought Ellen Degeneres would be today, I never would have imagined that she'd be so popular. She's like the new Bill Cosby (uh... minus the alleged drugging scandal). This is a phenomenal thing, really, it's amazing that a lesbian is now a household name. Her show seems to have taken up where Rosie O'Donnell's show left off, only it doesn't have that "shiny happy weirdness" that Rosie's had. Coming out of the closet has done wonders for Ellen (and a whole host of other gays and lesbians).

Interview with Sophie Okenedo

The Observer gives an eye-opening piece about Sophie Okenedo, Oscar Nominee for Best Supporting Actress (she deserves to win, along with Don Cheadle for Best Actor), for Hotel Rwanda. I liked her performance in Dirty Pretty Things as well. She speaks candidly about the sudden fame she's garnered from the film and her Oscar nom, and the attempts of the media to pigeonhole her into a "Halle Berry/tragic mulatta" persona. Not only is she a gifted actress, she's damned funny, too. "She admits she battles with guilt for enjoying her work so much. 'You think, ooh, I must be slapped down, naughty girl. We should all live in America - they don't feel guilty about anything.'"

How soon we forget...

When you reach the age of, say, 25 or so, you cross an invisible bridge of sorts. When you cross it, you begin to have difficulty relating to teenagers and remembering what it was like to be a teen. So, when someone like Ashlee Simpson, or any other currently annoying talentless poptart becomes all the rage in teendom, you start to think that either the world is going to hell in a handbasket, or that you've gone insane. Apparently, the tide is turning in Ashlee's favor once again; she's no longer the fallen pop star, the overly manufactured vehicle of recycled bubblegum, the new millenium teenybopper Sheryl Crow-- teens, who are as fickle as the wind direction, are beginning to forgive her, or at least, they've forgotten about the whole SNL/Orange Bowl debacle. I suppose that an "artist" like Ashlee does give young people hope, because her success sends the message that mediocrity is okay, that you don't have to excel at anything, or have any real talent to make it. Her rise to fame makes success look easy; you just have to have a good gimmick, and meet the right people, or at least, have some pretty dedicated people backing you up. When you look at it, who is the real talent here? I think it's her father, for making the Ashlee Simpson phenomenon happen, and for keeping his daughter in the limelight, despite all of the potentially career-wrecking disasters that she's been through so far (and she's been through quite a few, considering she's only been in the spotlight for a couple of years). So, Daddy Simpson's level of talent, as a relentless promoter, remains to be seen. The gauge of that talent will be the length of time he manages to keep Ashlee's name out there. Of course, most of her teen fans will reach their invisible bridge one day, and they in turn, will disassociate from all things teen, and they'll develop a distaste for all things Ashlee. There's just the waiting...

I never would have guessed that the blogosphere and the "blingosphere" were so similar

I don't know whether this should be taken as an insult or a compliment: "Essentially, blogging is sampling plus a new riff. Political bloggers take a story in the news, rip out a few chunks, and type out a few comments. Rap songs use the same recipe: Dig through a crate of records, slice out a high hat and a bass line, and lay a new vocal track on top. Of course, the molecular structure of dead-tree journalism and classic rock is filthy with other people's research and other people's chord progressions. But in newspaper writing and rock music, the end goal is the appearance of originality—to make the product look seamless by hiding your many small thefts. For rappers and bloggers, each theft is worth celebrating, another loose item to slap onto the collage. "Rap music and blogging are populist, low-cost-of-entry communication forms that reward self-obsessed types who love writing in first person. Maybe that's why both won so many converts so quickly. If you want to become MC I'm Good at Rapping, all you have to do is rustle up a microphone and a sampler. If you want to blog as AngryVeganCatholicGOPMom, bring a computer, an Internet connection, a working knowledge of Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V, and a whole lot of spare time." Slate tends to run hot and cold like a water faucet. Sometimes you find really good articles... and then, sometimes you're not so lucky... Here is the cheesiest, most simplistic view of blogging I've read so far... "Rappers and Bloggers: Separated at Birth" I find it ironic that so many "real hard working, flat-footed journalists" -- most of whom are quite well versed in "Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V" as any blogger (as seen in this very article)-- spend so much of their working time writing about blogs. I guess the egregious use of links is supposed to be "bloggeresquely witty".

So much for family values...

This is so typical. Some right-wing nut, actually, Alan Keyes , makes his living telling other people how to run their family lives, complaining that the American family is losing it's battle with the demonic forces of social change... yet when his daughter, Maya, comes out as a lesbian, what does he do? He kicks her out of the house! And something tells me that he won't ever be able to see the hypocrisy in all of this...

"The book I'm writing now has several young black men in it... and I'm really enjoying it."

Something is just completely wrong about that entire quote. I am a big fan of Zadie Smith (White Teeth was one of the best books ever written, in my opinion), but her whole attitude in this BBC News article is positively "anthropological", if you know what I mean. And the headline for the article, "Smith to tackle 'young black men'", is rather tasteless as well (on several levels). Take this, for example: "What is true is there are no black young men in White Teeth at all," Smith said. "I did notice that - my brothers noticed it too. I can't say why - I guess my imagination just didn't lead me there. "Maybe partly in that case, of all the experiences that are radically different from my own. Being a young black man would be so different it would be quite hard to imagine." Uh... okay... did she grow up completely on a completely separate planet from her brothers or something? Hopefully the tone and subject matter of the new book won't be as dodgy as this article is.

I'm so mad that I missed this!

Every time I sit down to watch VH1, they're always playing the same show that I've seen a million times already... so, of course, when they're showing something I actually want to see, I miss it. The guys in Ego Trip (Sacha Jenkins, Elliott Wilson, Chairman Mao Jefferson, Gabriel Alvarez and Brent Collins), are excellent. They manage to be hilariously funny about a difficult subject, sort of like the "Chris Rock" or the "Dave Chappelle" of the written word. Their Big Book of Racism tackles a lot of sticky subjects in a politically incorrect way, making you drop your jaw in shock at some things, but you still can't help laughing. From chapter titles such as "Lights, Cameras, Affirmative Action", "Race 4 Da Sport Uv It", and "Da Yella Pages", you can tell that they take a no-holds barred approach to discussing race, ethnicity, culture, and racism, throughout the book. And in addition to being loaded with razor sharp snark, it's illustrated, too. And for those who have ADD, or who are "attention span challenged" (note: magazine fans are included in this group), the book is an easy read, in that it's broken into different sections, so that you can put it down, and come back to something totally different and fresh, without reading it all in order. There was a great NYT article (via Gawker) about the tv special.

Was Jesus a masochist?

Or do Inspiration writers secretly long to write romance novels? While I've noticed that quite a few Max Lucado book titles are sort of creepy, to say the least, his latest book trumps all the others. Some examples are: A Love Worth Giving: Living in the Overflow of God's Love, Come Thirsty: No Heart Too Dry for His Touch, and Next Door Savior: Near Enough to Touch, Strong Enough to Trust. Or maybe I just have a dirty mind.

Must have been one helluva toilet

Now, call me weird, but the first thing I wondered when I read this was, "how did she do it without stopping up the toilet?"

This could be a new reality tv show

"Missed Connections: the TV Edition"... I can see it now... full of schmaltz and sappy stories, like Oprah and Jerry Springer rolled into one... the article would be an excellent template to start with; it has the Hollywood ending that a tv show would require.

Do they get a free toaster oven, too?

Or no, I guess toast is the last thing one would want on a ship (well, gays are the last thing the U.S. military seems to want on a ship).

Really bad idea for a message T-shirt

Bad... just bad...

Meet "Spim"

Thought that nothing could be more annoying than spam? Imagine this.

What's wrong with "Get Right"

I'm still wondering how she has managed to stay in the business this long. Things like this make me wonder if there is any justice in the world. "Soulful?" Judging from the first track, this will surely be a headache inducing album. Maybe she just needs to "get right" with a vocal coach or something... I'm sure that a professional could do something with that shrill, tinny voice. I believe that the music industry has developed a strategy to combat the "vocally challenged" masses of the pseudo-talented: they just work digital magic in the studio (take a look at Ashlee Simpson's example) and come up with a bunch of tracks that won't make you throw your electronic equipment out the window. I often notice that on most dance tracks, or on a lot of pop tracks these days, you can barely hear the vocals... the music is the thing that attracts you to the song. Many times, I've fallen in love with a song, until the moment that I decided to pay close attention to the vocals, or the mind-numbingly inane lyrics, and after that, I end up hating the song, and questioning my own sanity for liking the song in the first place. I suppose I'm going through a moment like that with JLo, excuse me, Jennifer, now. I used to take a guilty pleasure in listening to such fluff as hers, and sometimes even singing along to it (gasp!), but with this new song, it seems to be falling flat (no pun intended). Maybe I'll be able to dissociate, and enjoy those cool horns and that catchy recycled beat, and ignore her voice. Hopefully. I'm still trying to forget that voice crack filled duet at the Grammys...

Masters of Manners

Only in England will you find people apologizing for this (found in the Times Online in the Newswire tickertape): Queen to stay away from wedding The Queen is to stay away from the civil marriage ceremony of her son, the Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles, Buckingham Palace confirmed. She will, however, attend the church blessing following the civil ceremony, the Palace confirmed. Prince William and Prince Harry, along with Mrs Parker Bowles's children, Tom and Laura, will be present at the April 8 civil wedding in the Guildhall at Windsor, it is understood. And then there was this item, immediately following the first: Palace denies wedding 'snub' The Queen's decision to stay away from the wedding of the Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker Bowles was described as unprecedented, as Buckingham Palace moved swiftly to deny it was a snub. "We are into unknown territories with this decision and one can only speculate on the reason why," said constitutional historian Dr David Starkey. "It could be security, that she doesn't approve, or that she doesn't care, a position which would unite her with the majority of her subjects. I really don't see what all of the fuss is about. I mean, if nobody is complaining about Maria Shriver being married to the Governator (many are questioning her sanity, yes, but not complaining... I suppose it's better that he is married to someone). This whole thing should be a piece of cake for Prince Charles and Camilla; they're older, and they've both been married before. Everybody involved in this entire scenario seems to be walking on eggshells... come on people... when you really get down to it, who cares, really? But... I bet it would definitely be an interesting, if not intriguing event to attend... I'm sure it will put quite a few film weddings to shame...

Hello Blogworld!

Hey, all: I'll try not to be too first-day-of-school-cheesy here... Thought I'd finally join the fray. Of course, we would all like to be fresh and original (or we all like to imagine that we are these things), but of course, I, along with a whole host of other people, happen to be a few days late, and hopefully not too many dollars short in the blogging game... I happen to be pop culture addict, but I also like to poke my nose into other things, loftier subjects, respectable topics. I'll be discussing all of them here with a healthy dose of snark. So, hopefully, I won't go completely crazy from the can of worms I've just opened here. Wish me luck, or as they say in theater, "Break a leg"... or in "internetspeak" I guess the saying should be, "Break a finger"...